On a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being the least triggering and 5 being the most, how triggering would you like this experience to be?
(size:1.5)[[1->Vague]] (text-indent: 30)+(size:1.5)[[2->Some detail]] (text-indent: 30)+(size:1.5)[[3->Impossible]] (text-indent: 30)+(size:1.5)[[4->Detailed]] (text-indent: 30)+(size:1.5)[[5->Explicit]](if: (visited: where its tags contains "notVague"))[This wasn't your first choice, was it?(click-append: "was it?")[=
If you're looking for juicy details, something to really sink your teeth into, [[look elsewhere->Begin]].
Here, all you'll find is bone, sucked dry even of marrow. Are you sure you want only [[the skeleton of this story->Vague 1]]?]
\(else:)[Is this your first choice? Not many choose this option first. Why are you here?](click-append: "Why are you here?")[
Are you simply going in numerical order, left to right, low to high, small to big?](click-append: "small to big?")[
Or are you saving the best for last, eagerly awaiting all the juicy details of 5?](click-append: "juicy details of 5?")[=
...(after: time + 1s)[=
......(after: time + 1s)[=
..........(after: time + 1s)[=
[[No matter->Vague 1]].When you were born you weighed a [[normal amount->Growing up 2]].A good instinct.(click-replace: "A good instinct.")[Unfortunately, the perfect medium has yet to be invented.
Who do you think you are, Goldilocks?(click-append: "Goldilocks?")[=
No dice, sweetheart. No one's managed to get it just right.
[[Pick again->Begin]].]The thing is, you don't remember precisely how it started.
Maybe it was with [[dance]].
Maybe it was with [[volleyball]].
Maybe it was with [[your mother]].
(if: (visited: "dance") and (visited: "volleyball") and (visited: "your mother"))[Maybe it would've happened [[regardless]].](if: (visited: where its tags contains "notExplicit"))[Interesting, that you didn't run here first. That you lingered elsewhere, resistant to the promise of the visceral.(click-append: "the promise of the visceral.")[=
But that you ended up here anyway—that you submitted, at last, to the siren call of succulent, juicy details.](click-append: "succulent, juicy details.")[
This is not an easy path to trace. This is no walk in the park, no piece of cake. It's not too late to [[look away->Begin]].
But if you're certain you're ready for it, then go ahead. [[Sink your teeth in->Explicit 1]].]
\(else:)[Unsurprising, that this was your first choice. You're curious; you're hungry. You want the full experience, bells and whistles and sprinkles on top. You want all the juicy details. You want to consume it all.](click-append: "consume it all.")[
This is not an easy path to trace. This is no walk in the park, no piece of cake. It's not too late to [[look away->Begin]].
But if you're certain you're ready for it, then go ahead. [[Sink your teeth in->Explicit 1]].]As you grew up you weighed a [[normal amount->Skipping 1]]. At some point you started skipping [[some meals->Normal 1]].Then you went [[back to normal->Skipping 2]]. Then you went back to skipping [[some meals->Purging 1]]. For a brief stretch of time, you got into [[occasionally throwing up->Normal 2]]. Then you stopped throwing up and went [[back to normal->Purging 2]]. Until you [[threw up a few more times->Normal 3]].
(set: num-type $timesRepeated to 0){=
Of course, you went [[back to normal->Skipping 3]] after a while.
(set: $timesRepeated to $timesRepeated + 1)
(if: $timesRepeated is >= 5)[At some point the distinction between normal and skipping meals [[blurred]].]{=Then you started [[skipping meals again->Normal 3]].
(set: $timesRepeated to $timesRepeated + 1)
(if: $timesRepeated is >= 5)[At some point the distinction between normal and skipping meals [[blurred]].]Maybe it's something else. Maybe the details just aren't that juicy to you. Maybe you're not that hungry for them.(click-append: "not that hungry for them.")[=
Maybe you're too hungry for them.(click-append: "too hungry for them.")[=
Are you sure about this?(after: time + 1s)[=
Are you sure you want to look away?(click-append: "look away?")[=
If you're looking for juicy details, something to really sink your teeth into, [[look elsewhere->Begin]].
Here, all you'll find is bone, sucked dry even of marrow. Are you sure you want only [[the skeleton of this story->Vague 2]]?{(if:
(history:)'s last is "Skipping 3")
[After a while you went back to
(seq-link: bind $ongoing, " normal.", " skipping meals.", " normal.", " skipping meals.", " normal.", " skipping meals.", " normal.", " skipping meals.", "—")
]
}
{(else:)
[After a while you went back to
(seq-link: bind $ongoing, " skipping meals.", " normal.", " skipping meals.", " normal.", " skipping meals.", " normal.", " skipping meals.", " normal.", "—")
]
}
(event: when $ongoing is "—")[When will this [[end->Ending]]?]
Thank you for playing. Would you like to [[return->Begin]]?When you were born you weighed a [[normal amount->Vague 3]]. When you first start playing volleyball, it's at the local rec center. There's a girl on the team, in your grade, who's sharp-eyed and firm-voiced in a way that makes your lungs cave in on themselves, turns your breath precarious.
Her name is Lydia.(click-append: "Lydia.")[
Lydia doesn't know you are in love with her, or about as in love as a middle-school girl can be (very much so, in other words). Lydia is doubly blinded from your love by heteronormativity and [[hatred for herself.]]]
You're bad at classical and folk Chinese dance, but so are most of the girls you do dance with. None of you like it much.
The worst part is watching your own body, sheathed in a form-fitting black leotard, bending(click-append: "bending")[ and scrunching](click-append: "scrunching")[ and rumpling](click-append: "rumpling")[ and twisting](click-append: "twisting")[ and bunching](click-append: "bunching")[ and puckering](click-append: "puckering")[ and doming](click-append: "doming")[ and warping](click-append: "warping")[ and blobbing](click-append: "blobbing")[ and bulging](click-append: "bulging")[ and [[squidging->Detailed 1]]] in the full-length mirrors. What is there to say about your mother? (click-append: "your mother?")[=
For a while you thought of eating disorders as an inherited illness. It's true—they are inheritable. (click-append: "inheritable.")[=
But more generally, they are just [[contagious->Detailed 1]].Maybe there's no version of this story where you don't end up with two fingers down your throat and a numbness in your stomach, maybe it was a compulsion you never could have denied, inevitable.(click-append: "inevitable.")[
Notice how there was no option 0, no path where this didn't happen.(click-append: "this didn't happen.")[=
Notice how the hunger cues refuse to pang the way they used to. Notice how you can't remember the way they used to. Notice how the scale of your hunger is always mismatched with your [[appetite]].]As you grew up, you weighed a [[normal amount->Vague 4]].A surprising choice. If you are looking to sate your curiosity, your voyuerism, perhaps [[look elsewhere->Begin]].
But perhaps you are fine with only being half-sated, half-full. A small bite to take the edge off the [[hunger->Growing up 1]]. It might not satisfy your appetite, you know. This path. It might be raw and visceral and still not enough.
It's still not too late to [[look away->Begin]].
But if you really want to, then [[sink your teeth in->Explicit 2]].Peering over the edge without jumping, are you?(click-append: "are you?")[=
The details down this path will be less juicy than 5, but still not easy to swallow.(click-append: "easy to swallow.")[=
It's not too late to [[look away->Begin]].
But if you're certain you're ready for it, then go ahead. [[Sink your teeth in->Detailed 1]].The first time your best friend gets hospitalized for her eating disorder, you don't know it's happened. But you're the first person she tells, a month later.
Her name is `[REDACTED]`.(click-append: "[REDACTED].")[=
Her hair is brown but she dyes it often. Her eyes are unbelievably green and unbelievably round. She is an awful liar. You are in love with her.(click-append: "You are in love with her.")[=
Is any of this relevant?
Here are the facts: (click-append: "facts:")[=
1. She spends years in and out of inpatient and outpatient programs across the country. Sometimes she vanishes from school for months without warning.(click-append: "warning.")[=
2. She is the sickest person you know. She is dealing with arrhythmia and orthostatic hypotension and hypermetabolism and depression and suicidal ideation and all of these things are connected.(click-append: "connected.")[=
3. While you know her, you dabble only lightly in disordered eating. It feels wrong to let yourself do what she does after witnessing what it's done to her, how it's torn her life apart.(click-append: "apart.")[=
4. In the end this does nothing to stop your descent down the same [[pit]]. Sometimes you don't even feel the hunger. Sometimes it's not even a challenge, not in the slightest, to stay empty. Sometimes water alone makes you feel so, so [[full]]. Sometimes the hunger chases you down. Sometimes you can't fight as it tackles you, wrestles you to the ground.
(after: time + 1.5s)[=Sometimes you eat and eat and eat and eat and eat (after: time + 1s)[=and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat (after: time + .75s)[=and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat (after: time + 0.5s)[=and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat (after: time + 0.5s)[=and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat (after: time + 0.5s)[=and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat (after: time + 0.5s)[=and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat (after: time + 0.5s)[=and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat (after: time + 0.5s)[=and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat (after: time + 0.5s)[=and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat (after: time + 0.5s)[=and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat (after: time + 0.5s)[=and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat (after: time + 0.5s)[=and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat (after: time + 0.5s)[=and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat (after: time + 0.5s)[=and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat (after: time + 0.5s)[=and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat (after: time + 0.5s)[=and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat (after: time + 0.5s)[=and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat (after: time + 0.5s)[=and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat (after: time + 0.5s)[=and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat (after: time + 0.5s)[=and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat (after: time + 0.5s)[=and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat (after: time + 0.5s)[=and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat (after: time + 0.5s)[=and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat (after: time + 0.5s)[=and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat (after: time + 0.5s)[=and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat (after: time + 0.5s)[=and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat (after: time + 0.5s)[=and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat (after: time + 0.5s)[=and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat— (after: time + 2s)[=
And you feel so fucking gluttonous, (after: time + 2s)[=like a big greedy mountain troll, (after: time + 2s)[=like an oozing amoeboid monster, (after: time + 2s)[=like a vortex of teeth, (after: time + 2s)[=like Jabba the fucking Hutt, (after: time + 2s)[=like a giant pit of quicksand, (after: time + 2s)[=like a bloated septic beast, (after: time + 2s)[=like an endless (after: time + 1.75s)[=insatiable (after: time + 1.75s)[=hulking (after: time + 1.75s)[=[[void]].And sometimes you're hunched over a blur of porcelain. Every orifice burning. Snot and tears and vomit.
All streaming out. (click-append: "out.")[
And sometimes it feels like it will never [[end->Ending]].]The worst part is that she becomes, in a twisted way, your standard of sickness. The worst part is that after the two of you grow distant, after her illness is no longer an omnipresent hum, you grow to (text-style: "blurrier")[(seq-link: bind $envy, "hsdfkl", "sdlkc;lk", "oi23;os", "a;osdj", "jodklf4u", "bdfsjkln", "klsdfjie3", "envy")] it.
(event: when $envy is "envy")[=Its effectiveness.(live: 5s)[(go-to: "control")]
`[REDACTED]` once described her eating disorder as a way for her to exercise control over part of her life when it felt like she had none over the rest of it.(click-append: "none over the rest of it.")[=
But for you it's more like a compulsion.(click-append: "compulsion.")[=
Maybe this is why yours is less effective.(live: 5s)[(go-to: "compulsion")]You should probably empty your stomach. Your grossly distended stomach.(after: time + 2s)[=
\(set: $puked to (confirm: "Purge?", "Do not", "Please do"))
\(if: $puked is false)[Probably for the better. It's so bad for your teeth. You should try to take your mind off this, go do something else.(click-append: "go do something else.")[= Maybe you could—(after: time + 0.5s)[=
\(set: $puked to (confirm: "Puke and puke and puke till your throat hurts?", "Do not", "Please do"))]
\(else:)[Hollow yourself feel your two nails sharp against gum against roof of mouth against back of throat down back of throat down throat down down down dig it out dig it out dig it out hollow yourself acid stinging raw blur streaming snot streaming tears streaming bile hollow yourself retching writing wretched sour blur bile blurring reach in retch out down down down dig it out]
\(if: $puked is false)[Yeah. You don't want to do that. Go take your mind off this. Go do something else.(click-append: "Go do something else.")[= Maybe you could—(after: time + 0.5s)[=
\(set: $puked to (confirm: "Vomit all of it up, until your insides feel scraped out like a gourd?", "Do not", "Please do"))]
\(else:)[Hollow yourself feel your two nails sharp against gum against roof of mouth against back of throat down back of throat down throat down down down dig it out dig it out dig it out hollow yourself acid stinging raw blur streaming snot streaming tears streaming bile hollow yourself retching writing wretched sour blur bile blurring reach in retch out down down down dig it out]
\(if: $puked is false)[Go distract yourself. (click-append: "Go distract yourself.")[= Maybe you could—
{(live: 1.5s)[=
(if: $puked)[(stop:)]
(else: )[(set:$puked to (confirm: "Hollow yourself hollow yourself hollow yourself hollow yourself hollow yourself hollow yourself hollow yourself hollow yourself hollow yourself hollow yourself hollow yourself hollow yourself hollow yourself hollow yourself", "Do not", "Please do"))]
}]
\(else:)[Hollow yourself feel your two nails sharp against gum against roof of mouth against back of throat down back of throat down throat down down down dig it out dig it out dig it out hollow yourself acid stinging raw blur streaming snot streaming tears streaming bile hollow yourself retching writing wretched sour blur bile blurring reach in retch out down down down dig it out]
(float-box: "X=====","Y========")[hollow yourself](after: time + 1s)[=
(float-box: "====X","========Y")[dig it out](after: time + 0.5s)[=
(float-box: "==X==","=======Y=")[down down down](after: time + 0.5s)[=
(float-box: "=====X=====","========Y")[down](after: time + 0.5s)[=
(float-box: "=X===","==Y=====")[you're so fucking fat](after: time + 0.5s)[=
(float-box: "=====X=","Y========")[dig it out](after: time + 0.5s)[=
(float-box: "======X","======Y=")[hollow yourself](after: time + 0.5s)[=
(float-box: "==X====","====Y====")[dig it out](after: time + 0.5s)[=
(float-box: "=X======","=====Y===")[reach down](after: time + 0.5s)[=
(float-box: "===X===","===Y=====")[retch it out](after: time + 0.5s)[=
(float-box: "X====","=======Y=")[are you empty yet](after: time + 0.5s)[=
(float-box: "==X====","Y========")[dig it out](after: time + 0.5s)[=
(float-box: "====X==","Y========")[dig it out](after: time + 0.5s)[=
(float-box: "=X=====","====Y====")[dig it out](after: time + 0.5s)[=
(float-box: "=====X","===Y====")[acid stinging raw blur](after: time + 0.25s)[=
(float-box: "===X===","=====Y===")[snot tears bile](after: time + 0.25s)[=
(float-box: "=====X=","======Y=")[dig it out](after: time + 0.25s)[=
(float-box: "X===","=====Y==")[retching writhing wretched](after: time + 0.25s)[=
(float-box: "X======","==Y======")[dig it out](after: time + 0.25s)[=
(float-box: "=====X=","=Y=======")[hollow yourself](after: time + 0.25s)[=
(float-box: "=====X","====Y====")[are you empty yet](after: time + 0.25s)[=
(float-box: "====X","=====Y=")[you're so fucking fat](after: time + 0.25s)[=
(float-box: "====X","==Y=====")[are you empty yet](after: time + 0.25s)[=
(float-box: "======X=","======Y==")[out out out](after: time + 0.25s)[=
(float-box: "X=========","Y========")[purge](after: time + 0.2s)[=
(float-box: "X=========","=Y=======")[purge](after: time + 0.2s)[=
(float-box: "X=========","==Y======")[purge](after: time + 0.2s)[=
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(float-box: "=========X","=======Y=")[purge](after: time + 0.2s)[=
(float-box: "=========X","========Y")[[purge]](after: time + 0.2s)[=
\(event: when $puked is true)[=Hollow yourself feel your two nails sharp against gum against roof of mouth against back of throat down back of throat down throat down down down dig it out dig it out dig it out hollow yourself acid stinging raw blur streaming snot streaming tears streaming bile hollow yourself retching writhing wretched sour blur bile blurring reach in retch out down down down dig it out Hollow yourself feel your two nails sharp against gum against roof of mouth against back of throat down back of throat down throat down down down dig it out dig it out dig it out hollow yourself acid stinging raw blur streaming snot streaming tears streaming bile hollow yourself retching writhing wretched sour blur bile blurring reach in retch out down down down dig it out (after: time + .25s)[=dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself (after: time + 0.25s)[=dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself (after: time + 0.25s)[=dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself (after: time + 0.25s)[=dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself (after: time + 0.25s)[=dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself (after: time + 0.25s)[=dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself (after: time + 0.25s)[=dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself (after: time + 0.25s)[=dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself (after: time + 0.25s)[=dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself (after: time + 0.25s)[=dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself (after: time + 0.25s)[=dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself dig it out hollow yourself (live: 0.1s)[(go-to: "Explicit 3")]Cornell Health says: self-induced vomiting can lead to electrolyte abnormalities that can lead to sudden death. (after: time + 2s)[=Says this could happen even in people who have previously purged without problems. (after: time + 2s)[=Says there is no warning. (after: time + 0.5s)[=
Says sudden death. (after: time + 0.25s)[=Sudden death. (after: time + 0.25s)[=Sudden death. (after: time + 0.25s)[=Sudden death.(after: time + 2.25s)[=
Would you rather die skinny or die fat?(live: 5.5s)[(go-to: "Explicit 4")]Was that everything you wanted? Was it good? Were the details juicy enough, succulent enough, rich enough? Did it make you [[salivate]]? Your body naturally produces saliva before you vomit to protect your mouth from the acidity.
How do you know, when you salivate, if it's from an urge to take food in or an urge to spit food [[out->Explicit 5]]?How much do you know now, about me? (after: time + 1.5s)[=Is it strange to know this about me? (after: time + 1.25s)[=
How can you look at me now? (after: time + 1s)[=Why did I write this? (after: time + .75s)[=Why did I let you read it? (after: time + 0.5s)[=Why did you want to read it? (after: time + 0.5s)[=Why did I let you? (after: time + 0.25s)[=Why did I let you? (after: time + 0.25s)[=Why did I let you?(after: time + 0.25s)[=Why did I let you? (after: time + 0.25s)[=Why did I let you? (after: time + 0.25s)[=Why did I let you? (after: time + 0.25s)[=Why did I let you? (after: time + 0.25s)[=
Sorry. Are we still pretending that you are me? [[That you’re in my body?]]Maybe you are me, now. Maybe by letting you read it, I’ve given you a piece of me. Maybe by writing it for public consumption, I’ve vomited straight into your mouth.(click-append: "your mouth.")[=
If you get sick, [[whose responsibility is it?->Ending]]
(align: "=><=")+(text-size: 2.2)[THE GOLDILOCKS PRINCIPLE]
Trigger warning for eating disorder and disordered eating related content ahead.
There will be no numbers: no measurements, no calorie counting, not even duration of experiences or number occurrences. The author is in recovery.
(align: "=><=")+(text-size: 1.2)[[Begin]]At some point your relationship with food and your body [[worsened->Ending]].(size:.75)[=Once, she says she wants to take a knife to her legs and stomach and carve all the fat off.(click-append: "carve all the fat off.")[=
Like she's a (cycling-link: "butcher", "piece of meat").(after: time + 3.5s)[=
She never does it. You never do it, either. But you think about it endlessly. It's your first taste of the fervent vitriol a person can possess for their own body.(click-append: "their own body.")[
It's the first time you really start to wonder: how much harm, how much violence, are you willing to inflict upon yourself in the [[pursuit of thinness?->Detailed 1]]]