Elftor and the Quest of the Screaming King

{ (display: "startup") (set: $header to true) (set: $footer to true) }You are Elftor, legendary hero! Elftor, whose arrows can snatch a butterfly from the sky at a thousand paces. Elftor, whose stride leaves nary a footprint in the snow. Elftor... [["...who should probably stop narrating his quests out loud"]]

You turn to glare at your manservant. Undeterred, the little pipsqueak adds: "Also, isn't //Elftor// a little on the nose as a name for an elf?" "I don't know. [[Isn't <i>Manny</i> a little on the nose as a name for a manservant?|Isn't Manny a little on the nose as a name for a manservant?]]"

Manny shrugs. "Touché." But all this is becoming a distraction from the task at hand, and [[the King is clearly getting annoyed]].

"IF YOU'RE QUITE FINISHED BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL," yells the king, his voice echoing around the opulent throne room, "IT WOULD BE QUITE NICE IF YOU COULD GET ON WITH YOUR QUEST TO CURE THIS AFFLICTION THAT HAS BESET MY..." (he takes a deep breath) |rumble>["...KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!"] As your delicate pointed ears finally stop ringing, [[you consider your response]].

[["It would be my honour, your majesty."]] [["No, screw you!"]]

"AS YOU MIGHT HAVE NOTICED," bellows the King, "EVERYBODY IN MY KINGDOM HAS BEGUN SPEAKING AT AN EXTREME |rumble>[VOLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUME!!!]" "THIS PLACE IS LOUDER THAN BARON TIE-DIE'S WARDROBE!!!" puts in the Court Jester. |rumble>["BADUM-TSH!!!"] You have to admit, it would be pretty hard not to notice. "I BESEECH YOU," screeches the King (whose voice seems to be getting a little hoarse already), "FIND THE SOURCE OF THIS MALIGN AFFLICTION AND PUT AN |rumble>[EEEEEEEEEEEND TOOOOOOOO IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!]" [["It shall be done!"]] [["Alright, alright, you don't need to yell."]]

|rumble>["WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT???"] yells the King. You're not sure if it's because he's outraged or because the entire kingdom has become mysteriously compelled to speak every utterance at a deafening volume. [["You heard me."]] [["Actually, on second thoughts I will take on this heroic quest."]]

"THIS IS..." (the King takes another deep breath) |rumble>["...AN OUTRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!!!"] "Yeah, well..." You make a V with the elfen fingers of both elfen hands and waggle them about in a supremely offensive fashion. "BUH!" splutters the monarch, at extreme volume. "GUH! WUH!!!" Then he straight-up dies. [[There are gasps from nearby.]]

{ (save-game:"indecisive") }"NO YOU BLOODY WELL WON'T!" yells the King. "I DON'T HIRE HEROES WHO TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!!!" "Oh," you say. "Whoops then." (display: "END")

{ (save-game:"regicide") }"ELFTOR THE ELVISH HERO WHO IS AN ELF HAS ASSASSINATED THE KING!!!" bellows one of the guards, who you've got to assume would have bellowed that even under normal circumstances. "GET HIM!!!" yells another, who likewise you suspect probably did actually want to yell that. Suddenly, your manservant Manny has you in a headlock. "Betrayal!" you yelp. "Yeah," says Manny. "Soz. I just don't see you getting out of this anyway, and I don't want to end up in the dungeon as well, and this seems like the easiest way of avoiding that, so..." The guards quickly close in around you, halberds at the ready. "Okay, fair enough," you choke. "That actually does make quite a bit of sense." Still seems like kind of a dick move, though. (display: "END")

Thy quest endeth here... [[RESTART|Start]] [[SKIP INTRO|"It shall be done!"]] [[BACK TO TITLE|Title]]

{ (display: "startup") }"THANK YOU, ELFTOR!" bellows the King. "RID US OF THIS PLAGUE, AND MY PEOPLE SHALL FOREVER BE IN YOUR..." (he takes a deep breath) |rumble>["DEEEEEEEEEBT!!!"] You clear your throat in an expectant fashion. "OH, YES, OF COURSE." The King waves a hand. "AND I'LL GIVE YOU TEN THOUSAND GOLD AND A MAGIC HAT AND A PUPPY. AND..." He turns to the chancellor. "DO I GIVE OUT EXPERIENCE POINTS OR IS THAT LIKE A KARMA THING?" |rumble>["UHHHHHH..."] yells the chancellor. "I MEAN," shout-clarifies the King, "I SEE AN 'EXP' STAT AT THE TOP OF THE SCREEN. CAN I PHYSICALLY DOLE THAT OUT TO HEROES OR IS ITS DISTRIBUTION AN INNATE FEATURE OF THE UNIVERSE?" The chancellor shrugs. The King turns back to you. "TELL YOU WHAT, ELFTOR. I'LL GIVE YOU EXPERIENCE POINTS IF THAT'S A THING I CAN DO, AND IF IT ISN'T THEN I ASSUME YOU'LL EARN SOME AS A NATURAL PART OF THE QUEST COMPLETION PROCESS. I CAN DEFINITELY OFFER TEN THOUSAND GOLD, A HAT THAT'S MAGIC IN SOME WAY, AND A PUPPY." (He breathes in deeply.) |rumble>["HOW DOES THAT SOOOOOOOOOOOOUND???"] [["Very good, my liege!"|BEGIN YON QUEST!!!]] [["I want the magic hat up-front."]] [["Give me the puppy now and we've got a deal."]] [["I demand to know how many experience points I'll receive and the way in which I am to receive them, ideally with a notarised contract to guarantee same."]]

{ (set: $explainAgain to it + 1) (if: $explainAgain > 2)[(go-to: "King Ragequit Ending")] }"ACTUALLY..." (the King inhales deeply) "|rumble>[I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!] THAT'S THE ENTIRE POINT. DO I NEED TO EXPLAIN AGAIN?" [["Yes."|"It would be my honour, your majesty."]] [["No."|"It shall be done!"]]

(enchant: ?rumble, (text-style: "rumble")) --- (if: $footer is true)[ { =|= Gold: $G =|= (if: $questStarted is true)[Hours Remaining: $H] =|= (if: $sidequestsMentioned is true)[Quests Completed: $Q] |==| =|= (if: $hat is true)[You have a magic hat.] (if: $puppy is true)[You have a puppy.] =|= =|= =|= |==| (replace: ?Header)[(display: "header")] (unless: (passage:)'s name is "Allow this kingdom to fall into war.")[(if: $H < 1)[(go-to: "timeout")]] (if: $EHP < 1)[(set: $EHP to 0)(unless: (passage:) is "wound" or (passage:) is "what you find is something else entirely" or (passage:) is "dead")[(go-to: "dead")]] }]

{  (set: $header to false) (set: $footer to false)  (forget-visits: -1) (set: $explainAgain to 0) (set: $questStarted to false) (set: $sidequestsMentioned to false)  (set: $EHP to 30)  (set: $EXP to 0)   (set: $MHP to 26)   (set: $G to 0)  (set: $H to 12)  (set: $Q to 0)  (set: $hat to false) (set: $puppy to false) }

"ARE YOU YANKING MY CHAIN OR ARE YOU REALLY THIS..." (the King takes an exceedingly deep breath) |rumble>["STUUUUUUPIIIIIIIIIID???"] [["I'm yanking your chain."]] [["I'm really this stupid."]]

{ (save-game:"yanked chain") }"A CRIME PUNISHABLE BY |rumble>[DEEEEAAAAAAAATH!!!]" yells the King. "|rumble>[GUAAAAAAARDS], DEFENESTRATE THIS ELF!" The guards are only too happy to oblige. (display: "END")

{ (save-game:"criminally stupid") }"OH," shouts the King. "WELL, I SUPPOSE THAT'S NOT A CRIME." "ACTUALLY..." interjects the chancellor, unfurling a scroll. The King peruses it. "VERY WELL," he announces after a moment. "|rumble>[GUAAAAAAARDS!] ESCORT THIS BIG DUMMY TO THE VISCOUNT DIMBULB DUNGEON FOR THE CRIMINALLY DENSE." So they do. "Why is this happening?" you demand to know, being far too stupid to follow the events that have just unfolded. (display: "END")

{ (set: $hat to true) }"HATSMAN!" The King claps crisply to summon this esteemed member of the court. "FETCH A HAT FROM THE ROYAL HAT-PILE! A GOOD ONE! |rumble>[EXTRA MAGIC!!!]" The royal hatsman bows, exits the room, and returns a moment later with a Robin-Hood-style cap with a feather in it. He hands this to your manservant, Manny, who in turn hands it to you. [[Ask what the hat does.]] [[BEGIN YON QUEST!!!]]

{ (set: $puppy to true) }"VERY WELL." The king claps crisply. "HOUNDSMAN? BRING FORTH OUR SMALLEST, CUTEST HOUND." A portly dwarf with a thick, bushy beard steps out of the throne room for a moment, then reenters with a puppy. It is exceptionally small and cute. |rumble>["AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!] comes the deafening response from the room as a whole. [["Thank you, good sir!"]] [["Thanky-doodles!"]]

"And what does this hat do?" You hold it up to the light. "BUGGER IF I KNOW." The King turns to the royal hatsman. "HATSMAN?" |rumble>["IUHHHO,"] shrugs the hatsman, loudly. "IT'S MAGIC," shout-says the King, "LET'S LEAVE IT AT THAT." [[BEGIN YON QUEST!!!]]

{ (set: $questStarted to true) }"THERE IS JUST ONE MORE THING," yells the King, right as you're about to leave. "MY CHIEF AMBASSADOR STANDS READY TO RIDE OUT TO THE BLACK PALACE OF MALGORTHA, THE SORCERESS QUEEN. SHE BEING, YOU KNOW..." (he breathes deeply) |rumble>["THE MOST LIKELY CULPRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!"] There are incredibly loud murmurs of agreement from the room as a whole. "YOU MUST COMPLETE YOUR QUEST WITHIN TWELVE HOURS, FOR WHEN NIGHT FALLS MY AMBASSADOR SHALL SET OUT ON HIS JOURNEY, AND NOT ONE MINUTE AFTER HE ARRIVES WE SHALL BE AT |rumble>[WAR]." [["Why would you do that?"]] [["Why would your ambassador travel at night?"]] [["Generic heroic acceptance of challenge."]]

"NO." [["Very good, my liege!"|BEGIN YON QUEST!!!]] [["I want the magic hat up-front."|rebuff]] [["Give me the puppy now and we've got a deal."|rebuff]]

"NOT NOW THAT YOU'VE JERKED ME AROUND ABOUT THE EXPERIENCE POINTS. YOU CAN TAKE THE QUEST ON MY TERMS OR YOU CAN SHOVE IT." [["I'll take the quest, my liege."|BEGIN YON QUEST!!!]] [["No, screw you!"]]

There is deafeningly loud muttering from the room as a whole. The houndsman looks dismayed. You're not sure what you've done. "AHEM." The chancellor approaches, cups a hand around your ear, and prepares to whisper into it... |rumble>["THE 'HOUNDSMAN' IS ACTUALLY A FEMALE DWARF. ALL OF THEM HAVE BEARDS, AND THE TITLE IS THE SAME REGARDLESS OF THE GENDER IDENTITY OF THE PERSON WHO HOLDS IT."] You lean away from him, teeth gritted in aural anguish. The chancellor takes a step back. "SORRY," he yells, from a slightly greater distance. "AFTER A WHILE YOU FORGET THAT YOU'RE SHOUTING ALL THE TIME." |rumble>["HOW EMBARRASIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!] screeches a nearby dignitary, directly into her friend's ear-hole. It's probably time you got out of here. [[BEGIN YON QUEST!!!]]

That was a weird thing to say, but you get the impression people took it as baby talk for the puppy's benefit so it doesn't draw as much attention as it might have. "You know you're still narrating this out loud, right?" says Manny, your manservant. "Uhhhh..." Everybody in the room is staring at you. [[BEGIN YON QUEST!!!]]

The King shrugs. "POLITICS. GOT TO BE SEEN TO BE DOING |rumble>[SOMETHING]." (unless: (history:) contains '"Why would your ambassador travel at night?"')[\ [["Why would your ambassador travel at night?"]] ][["Generic heroic acceptance of challenge."]]

"HE'S ONE OF THOSE PALE-SKINNED PINK-EYED GUYS. REALLY GOOD AT WHAT HE DOES, JUST SHOULDN'T BE OUT IN THE SUN ALL DAY. IT HARDLY MATTERS, REALLY. HALF OUR DIPLOMATIC ISSUES ARE WITH THE SORCERESS QUEEN AND SHE'S |rumble>[NOCTUUUUUUUURNAAAAAAAAAAL]." (unless: (history:) contains '"Why would you do that?"')[\ [["Why would you declare war based only on a guess?"|"Why would you do that?"]] ][["Generic heroic acceptance of challenge."]]

{ (set: $sidequestsMentioned to true) }"'GENERIC HEROIC ACCEPTANCE OF CHALLENGE.'" The King nods approvingly. "THAT'S WHAT I LIKE TO HEAR! NOW GET OUT THERE AND SAVE THE KINGDOM, AND DON'T GET DISTRACTED BY ANY |rumble>[SIIIIIIDEQUEEEEEEEEEEESTS]!!!" (He pauses to rest his poor vocal cords.) "I KNOW WHAT YOU HEROES ARE LIKE." [[Begin your quest, resolute and with single purpose.]]

You and Manny make your way out of the throne room, back through the palace, and take literally one step out onto the street. "I NEED A HERO TO COLLECT |rumble>[THIRTY CAAAAAAAAABAAAAAAAAAGEEEEEEEEEEES!!!] shrieks an old woman, right in your freakin' ear. [[Accept the quest.|cabbage quest]] [[Refuse to help the sweet (if uncomfortably loud) old lady.]]

{ (set: $H to it - 1) }(if: $hat is true)[(set: $Q to it + 1)(set: $EXP to it + (random: 34,43))"Is there any chance your hat's magic power is to summon thirty cabbages?" asks Manny. "Uhhhh..." As you think about the concept of summoning thirty cabbages, your magic hat begins to glow. Green orbs of light - thirty of them exactly - hover in the air around you, then gradually dim. Through the arcane power of your magic hat, you have summoned the exact number of cabbages this old lady requires. They thud onto the cobbles, getting only slightly bruised. "OH THANK YOU! THANK YOU!" exclaims the quest-giver, gathering them eagerly into her empty shopping basket. [[That was awfully convenient.|Refuse to help the sweet (if uncomfortably loud) old lady.]]]\ (else:)["Is there like a farm where we can get those, or..." you begin, but the old lady cuts you off. |rumble>["OH, NO!"] she screeches. "ALL OUR VEGETABLES COME FROM THE PRODUCE SKELETONS AT THE NUTRITIOUS GRAVEYARD! YOU'LL HAVE TO GO |rumble>[AAAAAAAAAAAAAALL] THE WAY OVER THERE AND FIGHT SKELETONS UNTIL YOU HAVE THE REQUISITE NUMBER OF CABBAGES!!! You sigh. [[You do that|nutritious graveyard]]]

{ (set: $H to it - 1) }You and Manny take another step down the street. "I MUST HAVE EIGHT PECKS OF CHARCOAL FOR MY FORGE!" howls a nearby blacksmith. "IF I CANNOT COMPLETE THESE ORDERS BY TONIGHT, MY CHILDREN |rumble>[WILL STAAAAAAAAAAAAAARVE!!!]" [[Help the blacksmith.|charcoal quest]] [[Condemn his children to starvation.]]

{ (set: $H to it - 1) }(if: $hat is true)["Is there any chance your hat has the power to summon eight pecks of charcoal?" asks Manny. "Uhhhh..." As you think about the concept of summoning the desired materials, your magic hat begins to glow. Green orbs of light hover in the air around you, then gradually dim and fall to the ground. Exactly thirty cabbages thud onto the cobbles. (if:(history:) contains "cabbage quest")[Looks like it just does cabbages.](else:)[|rumble>["FUCK!!!"] you yell. You sure wish you'd known you could do that a couple of hours ago.] "I CAN'T FUEL MY FORGE WITH THOSE. ](else:)["]YOU'LL NEED TO VENTURE INTO THE COMBUSTIBLE FOREST TO GET THE CHARCOAL," shout-explains the blacksmith. [[You'd better get going.|combustible forest]]

{ (set: $H to it - 1) }"Wow," says Manny. "I know the stakes are high for the main quest but it really feels like the narration is going to paint us as the bad guys if we don't do the other stuff." "I know, right?" you agree. "Those things are bound to take ages, and we've been entrusted with a time-sensitive task while thousands of lives hang in the balance. It shouldn't be unreasonable for a hero of legend and his trusty manservant to refuse odd jobs that any random person on the street would be just as capable of tackling." Just at that moment //another// old woman appears, kneeling before you and clutching at the fabric of your fancy elf shirt. "My chickens!" she cries. "Won't someone please round up my escaped chickens!?" [[Help the kindly old woman recover her beloved chickens.]] [[Just walk away, you heartless monster. You hollow shell of an elf, you.]]

{ (set: $H to it - 1) }"Alright," you say, rolling your eyes. "We'll help you find your chickens." "What?" She squints at you, but she's already pulling you along a little path towards the outskirts of town, well away from where you were headed before. It's quite pushy of her, and also very, very slow. [[Follow the old woman.]] [[Resume your quest.|Just walk away, you heartless monster. You hollow shell of an elf, you.]]

{ (set: $H to it - 1) }You leave the kindly old lady sobbing in the street, because you're a total garbage hero. You absolute slimeball. "I'm confused as to whether I'm still the one narrating this," you announce. "These don't seem like things I, Elftor, would say." "Never mind that," puts in Manny. "Is it really eating up an entire hour every time you turn down one of those sidequests?" You glance down at the "Hours Remaining" stat. "Holy shit, it is." "That doesn't make sense, does it? I mean..." Manny glances back the way you came. "I can still see the palace. We've travelled maybe thirty feet. How do we only have $H hour(if: $H > 1)[s] remaining?" "I don't know," you admit. "I'm not sure this whole scenario makes much sense to begin with. The King made it clear we weren't supposed to get distracted by sidequests, which implies that turning them down takes us closer to our goal, but we've got no idea what's caused the shouting plague so there's no obvious reason for us to be travelling in this particular direction in the first place." "Bummer," says Manny. [[Keep going this way.]] [[Enter a nearby tavern to seek more information about the shouting plague.]]

|header>[{ (if: $header is true)[ =|= Name: Elftor =|= Class: Archer =|= HP: $EHP/30 =|= EXP: $EXP |==| =|= Name: Manny =|= Class: Manservant =|= HP: $MHP/26 =|= EXP: 0 |==| ] } --- ]

{ (set: $header to true) (set: $footer to true) }

{ (set: $H to it - 1) }"HELP! HELP!" yells a nearby nun, flapping her arms around frantically. "THE ORPHANAGE IS BEING ATTACKED BY |rumble>[A GIGANTIC OGRE]!" "Okay," says Manny. "That actually does sound like a hero-level job." [[Save the orphans.|orphan quest]] [[Cackle maniacally, twirl your evil elvish moustache, and scurry away, taking delight in the orphans' cruel fate.]]

{ (set: $H to it - 1) }You step into the tavern right next to you, which somehow takes an entire hour. |rumble>["WELCOME TRAVELLERS,"] shrieks the wench behind the bar. "CARE FOR SOME ALE TO SOOTHE YOUR PARCHED THROATS?" "No time for boozing!" you announce, slamming a fist on the bartop. "It is information that I thirst for! Whence came this plague that causeth thee to shout all the time?" "Wherefore art we speaking olde-worlde all of the sudden?" asks Manny. "I don't know," you sigh. "I think the general lack of direction is getting to me." "COR BLIMEY GUVNAH!" says the wench behind the bar, who has now adopted an entirely different style of speech for no apparent reason. "I DON'T KNOW ANYFINK ABOUT THAT. I JUST POUR THE DRINKS, AND UNTIL YOU MENTIONED A PLAGUE I'D JUST ASSUMED I WAS SHOUTING BECAUSE |rumble>[IT'S HELLA LOUD IN HERE]." "DOES ANYBODY ELSE KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE SHOUTING PLAGUE?" you yell to the room as a whole, because it is indeed hella loud in there. A deafening barrage of noncommital grunts is your only response. "Well, this was a complete and inexplicable waste of an hour," you say. [[You resolve to continue along the street you initially began following for no particular reason.|Keep going this way.]]

{ (set: $H to it - 1) }You follow the nun as she begins to lead you towards the threatened orphanage. [[It seems it's quite a way away.]] [[It's not too late to turn back.|little girl]]

{ (set: $H to it - 1) }"You know I don't actually have a moustache, right?" you say to Manny. "I thought that was referring to me," says Manny, stroking his luxurious moustache. "Am I not the main character?" You glance up. "My name's above yours in the stats table. Also, you don't have a twirlable moustache. It's too thick: more of a Tom Selleck style." "Oh, thank you!" Manny blushes. Just then, a little girl runs up to you. "IF I DON'T GET A PUPPY RIGHT THIS MINUTE, |rumble>[I WILL LITERALLY DIE!!!]" she shrieks at an ear-splitting pitch and volume. (if: $puppy is true)[\ [[Give her your puppy.]] [[Don't give her your puppy.|no puppy]]]\ (else:)[\ [[Alas, you have no puppy to give her.|no puppy]]]

{ (set: $H to it - 1) (set: $puppy to false) (set: $Q to it + 1) (set: $EXP to it + (random: 34,43)) }You hand over the puppy. "HE'S SO CUTE I COULD |rumble>[DIIIIIIIIIE!!!]" exclaims the little girl, squeezing the puppy in what you've got to assume is an uncomfortably tight embrace for the poor little creature. |rumble>["BUT I WON'T,"] she adds. You are glad of the clarification. She skips off down a side-street. [[You continue on your way.|You decide not to think too much about it as you carry on.]]

{ (set: $H to it - 1) }|rumble>["BLEH!"] yelps the little girl, dropping dead right in front of you. "I know that should be sad," says Manny, "but I'm having trouble taking any of this seriously at this point." "It's strange that my class is 'Archer,' yet there's not been a single opportunity to use a bow and arrow this entire time," you observe. [[You decide not to think too much about it as you carry on.]]

{ (set: $H to it - 1) }Fortunately, as you get a little farther from the centre of town, there are fewer random peasants to pester you. It's also a lot quieter in general. You didn't realise all the shouting was bothering you while you were in the middle of it, but now that it's down to a dull roar in the distance you've become very aware that it's given you an absolutely pounding headache. [[You trudge on regardless.]]

{ (set: $H to it - 1) }Following the old lady's directions, you make your way to the Nutritious Graveyard. Almost immediately, you are confronted by a Produce Skeleton! (display: "skeleton battle")

[[Unfortunately, it turns out the Combustible Forest is six hours away.]]

{ (set: $H to it - 1) }(display: (either: "win", "wound", "parry", "banter"))

{ (save-game:"timeout") }Night has fallen, and you have run out of time! The ambassador makes his way to the Black Palace of Malgortha, the Sorceress Queen, and declares war - at a deafening volume, no less! The resulting conflict lasts (random: 17,27) years, claims (random: 13, 31) thousand lives directly, and ushers in an economic dark age that blights countless more. (display: "END")

{ (save-game:"dead") }Is this the end of Elftor, the elvish hero? Your HP exhausted, it sure looks like it. (display: "END")

(display: (either: "cabbages", "other"))

The skeleton (either: "punches", "kicks", "bites") your (either: "elbow", "face", "gonads", "shin", "lower back"). It's (either: "quite", "very", "supremely", "surprisingly") (either: "painful", "unpleasant", "effective"), dealing (set: _damage to (random: 5, 15))(if: _damage > $EHP)[(set: _damage to $EHP)] damage! [[Unfortunate.|skeleton battle]]

The skeleton (either: "swipes", "lunges") with (either: "a rusty halberd", "a crumbling mace", "a manky length of steel railing"). You parry its attack with your elvish dagger. Sparks fly as your weapons grind against one another, your eyes locked together. [[It's super dramatic.|skeleton battle]]

"(either: "You fight like a cowherd!", "Is that all you've got?", "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!")" you shout. "(either: "UUUUAAAAAAAGH!!!", "BRUAAAAAGH!!!", "GUAAAAAAAAARKHH?")" says the Produce Skeleton, who lacks your sparkling wit. [[The battle continues.|skeleton battle]]

You launch an arrow straight into the eye socket of the hideous vegetable-hoarding undead monster. It groans in pain, clattering to the ground as a pile of lifeless bones and...cabbages! Precisely thirty cabbages! Exactly the quartity you need to [[complete this quest]]!

You launch an arrow straight into the eye socket of the hideous vegetable-hoarding undead monster. It groans in pain, clattering to the ground as a pile of lifeless bones and...(set: _produce to (either: "onions", "carrots", "leeks", "turnips"))_produce! Precisely (random: 24, 36) _produce! Unfortunately this is no help to you, so you leave it on the ground. [[Another Produce Skeleton chooses this moment to step into the fray.|skeleton battle]] [[You could alternatively cut your losses and return to your main quest.|Refuse to help the sweet (if uncomfortably loud) old lady.]]

{ (set: $Q to it + 1)(set: $EXP to it + (random: 34,43)) }"OH THANK YOU! THANK YOU!" exclaims the old lady as she accepts the cabbages. "I'M BUT A POOR OLD LADY AND CANNOT OFFER ANY REWARD, BUT I HOPE THE //EXPERIENCE// WAS WORTHWHILE." You can't help but feel as though, under the circumstances, it wasn't. [[You continue on your way.|Refuse to help the sweet (if uncomfortably loud) old lady.]]

{ (set: $Q to it + 1) (set: $EXP to it + (random: 134,143)) }"Well that's it, isn't it?" observes Manny, as he finishes stuffing charcoal into the eighth of your one-peck sacks. "It's taken six hours to get here, and we've got less than six hours left to complete our quest. We'll never get back in time!" "True," you say, "but at least we know that the blacksmith's children won't starve." Except they do. The blacksmith is among the first casualties of the war caused by your lack of focus, so the charcoal you just gathered does essentially no good to anyone. (display: "END")

{ (set: $H to it - 1) }You and Manny make your way even farther from the centre of town, densely clustered buildings giving way to scattered hovels. It's positively pleasant here, with the screams and yelps of the afflicted city having faded behind you. [[Ahhhhhh...]]

{ (set: $H to it - 1) }|rumble>["HELP AN OLD BEGGAR?"] demands the old man lying before you. You wince. |rumble>["I AM DYING OF EXPOSURE!"] he announces, shivering. |rumble>["PLEASE WON'T SOMEBODY TAKE SOME OF THIS EXPOSURE FROM ME?"] [[Agree to whatever he's proposing.]] [[Refuse. You have no time, and also you are a total scumbag who wouldn't lift a finger to help those less fortunate than himself.]]

{ (set: $H to it - 1) (set: $EXP to it + 1000) (set: $Q to it + 1) }"OH, THANK YOU! THANK YOU!" exclaims the beggar, as he transfers 1000 EXP directly to you. "Wait," says Manny. "Is //that// what 'EXP' stands for? Are we working //for exposure//?" It appears that you are. [[Press on regardless.|work for exposure]] [[Ditch this quest in disgust!]]

{ (set: $H to it - 1) }You continue along the road away from town. [[Soon you have almost left this place behind altogether...]]

{ (save-game:"exposure") }Yeah. Yeah!!! Screw that freeloading King. You have standards! "Wait," says Manny again. "Weren't we getting ten thousand gold for this?" Oh yeah. Well, too late now: you already decided to quit. (display: "END")

You sigh. "Well, it seemed as though the King genuinely didn't know that," you say. "Yeah," agrees Manny. "Also he did promise us a substantial sum of money, so actually we're getting paid for real." "Oh yeah," you say. "I forgot about that for a moment." [[You continue on your way.|Refuse. You have no time, and also you are a total scumbag who wouldn't lift a finger to help those less fortunate than himself.]]

{ (set: $H to it - 1) }At the great standing stone marking the kingdom's outer bounds, you encounter a pale man atop a dappled steed. |rumble>["HELLO?"] he says, in a frendly yet way-too-loud fashion. "Hello!" you reply, cheerily, though as you consider your situation your heart falls. "You are the ambassador, are you not?" "INDEED I AM." He shields his eyes with a hand and looks towards the low sun. "AND IN BUT AN HOUR, I MUST DO MY DUTY ONCE AGAIN." "Uh-oh," says Manny, quietly. It's about the first quiet thing you've heard said all day, and its significance is clear: he has come to the same realisation that you have. He knows the terrible choice that you must make. The hideous calling that has brought you to this place at this moment. [[Allow this kingdom to fall into war.]] [[Kill the ambassador.]]

{ (save-game:"war") (set: $H to it - 1) }You make the case that the ambassador should refuse this order - it is the least you can do - but both you and he know that such a thing is simply not possible. The hour passes faster than expected - seemingly faster than all the nonsensically short hours that passed before - and soon he is away, off to deliver the message that bodes misery and bloodshed for so many. (display: "END")

{ (save-game:"murder") }You make the case that the ambassador should refuse this order - it is the least you can do - but both you and he know that such a thing is simply not possible. In the end, you realise, only the blood of this one man can save the lives of his people. As he rides off to deliver the message that bodes misery and bloodshed for so many, you loose an arrow into his back. Perhaps some other hero can solve the mystery of the shouting plague. You - Elftor - have no heart for it any more. (display: "END")

{ (set: $H to it - 1) }You continue following the nun. Boy do you wish she could run a little faster. [[The orphanage is still not in sight.]] [[It's still not too late to turn back.|little girl]]

{ (set: $H to it - 1) }At last, the orphanage emerges from behind some trees! But so does the ogre. //Wow// that thing is big. Like, smash-Elftor-to-pulp-in-one-blow big. This totally justifies the detour from your other quest, but at the same time it might actually be a little out of your league! [[Face the ogre in single combat.]] [[Use an inventory item to defeat it.]]

{ (set: $H to it - 1) }As you prepare to resume your quest, a little girl runs up to you. "IF I DON'T GET A PUPPY RIGHT THIS MINUTE, |rumble>[I WILL LITERALLY DIE!!!]" she shrieks at an ear-splitting pitch and volume. (if: $puppy is true)[\ [[Give her your puppy.]] [[Don't give her your puppy.|no puppy]]]\ (else:)[\ [[Alas, you have no puppy to give her.|no puppy]]]

You loose an arrow at the ogre's vast, ugly head. It bounces directly off the beast's cornea, Superman-style. As the ogre raises an enormous palm to swat you into the ground like a bug, you consider that this may not have been the best idea... [[WHAM!]]

(if: $hat is true)[(unless: (history:) contains "cabbage quest" or (history:) contains "charcoal quest")[You sure hope whatever magic powers your hat holds are good against ogres... ](set: $Q to it + 1)(set: $EXP to it + (random: 48,84))Focusing all your considerable willpower into your enchanted headgear, you demand that it do the thing it does. Heeding your command, the hat conjures up a cluster of glowing green orbs. As the eerie light fades, precisely thirty cabbages appear hoving in midair. They drop onto the path that slopes gently towards the orphanage and roll beneath the ogre's great tootsies just as it's about to plant them down. The ogre skates on the cabbages like a hapless burglar on a handful of marbles, toppling face-first onto a jagged fencepost. [[Whatever gets results, you guess!|little girl]]]\ (elseif: $puppy is true)[(set: $Q to it + 1)(set: $puppy to false)(set: $EXP to it + (random: 48,84))You pat ineffectually at your pockets, but the only thing you have that could even come close to being described as an inventory item is... |rumble>[PUPPY!] bellows the ogre. You're not sure if it's subject to the same affliction as the townsfolk or if it just naturally speaks at that volume. It lumbers towards you, eyes bright and arms outstretched, then reaches out one ginormous hand and scoops the puppy from the ground. For a moment you think the beast might eat it, then... |rumble>[LOVE PUPPY!] the ogre bellows, gently stroking the tiny dog. It stumbles away into the forest, its siege of the orphanage forgotten. [[Whatever gets results, you guess!|little girl]]]\ (else:)[Unfortunately, you don't have any inventory items! The ogre raises an enormous palm to swat you into the ground like a bug. [[WHAM!]]]

(set: $EHP to 0)

{ (set: $H to it - 1) }A little way down the path the old woman stops dragging you, but still clearly expects you to follow. She mumbles about her chickens the whole way. [[Continue following the old woman.]] [[Resume your quest.|Keep going this way.]]

{ (set: $H to it - 1) }"Is it much farther?" you ask, finding that yet another hour has passed. "Speak up!" she snaps. Wow. Rude. At this point it would serve her right if you just turned around and left. [[Waste even more of your precious time following the old woman.]] [[Screw this.|Keep going this way.]]

{ (set: $H to it - 1) (set: $MHP to it - 3) }At last, the old woman's hovel comes into view. She wanders around to the back where you find a poorly maintained chicken coop. "...eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve." She pauses for a moment, then turns to you. "Never mind, all of them were here all along!" She smiles. "Un-freakin'-believable," says Manny. "Stop mumbling, you!" snaps the old woman, whacking him in the nutsack with her walking stick. "Oof!" says Manny, and loses 3HP. This has been a truly catastrophic waste of time, and you feel stupid for allowing yourself to get sidetracked in this way. There's only one sensible course of action here, but at the same time you're hesitant to simply chalk this up as a total loss... [[Return to your quest|Keep going this way.]] [[Barge into the old woman's house and rob the place.]]

{ (set: $H to it - 1) (set: _G to (random: 42,58)) (set: $G to it + _G) }You barge into the old woman's house, which somehow takes an entire hour. Fortunately, there's a conspicuous velvet pouch just sitting on a table in plain view. You pick it up and find _G gold. "What's going on in there?" demands the old woman. "Uh-oh!" says Manny, ducking back out onto the little garden path. [[Do the same.]] [[Investigate the rest of the house.]]

{ (set: $H to it - 1) }Not wanting to get a nutsack-whacking of your own, you scurry out of the house with your ill-gotten gains. Well, not ill-gotten exactly. You're the hero, and you have to fund your heroics somehow. [[The way you see it, these people owe you anyway.|Keep going this way.]]

{ (set: $H to it - 1) }There really only seems to be one other small room here. You let yourself in. "Wait!" yelps the old woman, by now at the door. "Don't go in there!" You hope that means there's more gold sitting right out in the open, but [[what you find is something else entirely]].

{ (set: $EHP to it - 3) }There's a cauldron, sitting in the middle of a pentagram drawn in white paint on the floor, a thick black candle standing at each point. "What is this?" you ask. "Stop mumbling!" she snaps, [[whacking you in the balls for 3HP damage]].

{ (set: $Q to it + 1) (set: $MHP to it - 2) }"OUCH!" you yell. "That's better! For a minute there I thought my spell was wearing off." You look from the witch - hard of hearing - to the cauldron to the town full of people inexplicably compelled to shout all the time. You've done it. You've solved the mystery. You clasp your hands to your head. |rumble>["I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT ROBBING AN OLD LADY WAS THE KEY TO COMPLETING THIS HEROIC QUEST!!!"] you shout. "Can I have my gold back, then?" she asks. "Only if you magick everyone back to normal," says Manny. "Speak up!" she yells, [[whacking him in the balls again]].

{ (set: $gold to 100000) (set: $EXP to (random: 8888,1222)) (set: $hat to true) (save-game:"good end") }But ultimately - after having the situation explained - the witch was happy to oblige (and you did give her gold back). You ran back to town - just in case the end of all the shouting wasn't enough to persuade the King to call back his ambassador - but the effort proved surplus to requirements. Everyone in the land could tell that the trouble was at an end. Not only that, the King proved to be impressed by the witch's power, and gave her a position in his court. With potent sorcery of its own (and a sturdy walking stick to boot), the kingdom had a little less to worry about from Malgortha, the Sorceress Queen. And of course, there was your own reward: well earned indeed. Ten thousand gold from the King, and a hefty chunk of EXP from wherever EXP comes from. Nobody is too sure to this day. THE END [[BACK TO TITLE|Title]]

=><= { (display: "startup") }(display: "cover") [[START|Start]] [[ABOUT]] [[ENDINGS]]

=><= Created by Damon L. Wakes for Spring Thing 2023. All art assets are Creative Commons 0 or distrubited under the Pexels License. [[BACK|Title]]

Good end: (if: (saved-games: ) contains "good end")[✓] Nightfall: (if: (saved-games: ) contains "timeout")[✓] Straight-up died: (if: (saved-games: ) contains "dead")[✓] Yanked the wrong chain: (if: (saved-games: ) contains "yanked chain")[✓] Criminally stupid: (if: (saved-games: ) contains "criminally stupid")[✓] Indecisive: (if: (saved-games: ) contains "indecisive")[✓] If you come at the king... (if: (saved-games: ) contains "regicide")[✓] Solved the EXP mystery: (if: (saved-games: ) contains "exposure")[✓] Murder most foul: (if: (saved-games: ) contains "murder")[✓] This means war: (if: (saved-games: ) contains "war")[✓] [[BACK|Title]]