GUNBABY

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(css: "font-size: 300%")[GUNBABY] by Damon L. Wakes (display: "bulletpoint") (display: "bulletpoint") (display: "bulletpoint") [[START GAME]] [[WAIT, WHAT?]]

"It's good to meet you," says Commissioner Gibson, extending a firm handshake. "We're very pleased to finally be trialling Project Themis, and we're confident there's no one more qualified to oversee its first live run." [["Thank you, Commissioner."]] [["Up yours."]]

You heard me. [[START GAME]]

(text-rotate: (random: 359))[(display: "bulletpoint")]

(text-rotate: (random: 359))[(display: "bullethole" + (text: (random: 1, 6)))]

{  (set: $HUD to false)  (set: $redFlags to 0) (set: $endingSeen to false)  (set: $mood to (either: "happy", "grumpy", "sleepy", "bored")) (set: $description to (display: "description")) (set: $event to "none") (set: $action to "none") (set: $continue to "none")  (set: $crimesPrevented to 0) (set: $casualties to 0) (set: $damageCaused to 0) (set: $power to 31) }

{ (if: $casualties > 150 and $endingSeen is false)[(set: $endingSeen to true)(go-to: "casualties ending")] (if: $damageCaused > 100000 and $endingSeen is false)[(set: $endingSeen to true)(go-to: "damage ending")] (if: $power > 0)[(set: $power to it - 1)] (if: $power < 1 and $endingSeen is false)[(set: $endingSeen to true)(go-to: "ending")] }(display: "GUNBABY AI")|HUDstartup>[(if: $HUD is true)[(display: "HUD header") ]]{ <table style="width:100%"> <tr> <td>(display: "bullethole")</td> <td>(display: "bullethole")</td> <td>(display: "bullethole")</td> <td>(display: "bullethole")</td> <td>(display: "bullethole")</td> <td>(display: "bullethole")</td> <td>(display: "bullethole")</td> </tr> </table> }

{ <table style="width:100%"> <tr> <td>(display: "bullethole")</td> <td>(display: "bullethole")</td> <td>(display: "bullethole")</td> <td>(display: "bullethole")</td> <td>(display: "bullethole")</td> <td>(display: "bullethole")</td> <td>(display: "bullethole")</td> </tr> </table> }(if: $HUD is true)[ (display: "HUD footer")]

{ (if: $mood is "happy")[ (set: $mood to (either: "happy", "happy", "happy", "happy", "sleepy", "bored"))] (elseif: $mood is "grumpy")[ (set: $mood to (either: "grumpy", "grumpy", "grumpy", "grumpy", "sleepy", "bored"))] (elseif: $mood is "sleepy")[ (set: $mood to (either: "sleepy", "sleepy", "grumpy", "bored"))] (else:)[ (set: $mood to (either: "bored", "bored", "happy", "grumpy"))] }

"Now," says Gibson, "I think it's important to mention that there have been a few key changes to the project since you were called upon to supervise." [["That's understandable."|2nd line]] [["Screw you!"]]

(set: $redFlags to it + 1)Commissioner Gibson ignores your frankly inexplicable demonstration of contempt. (display: '"Thank you, Commissioner."')

"For one thing," he continues, "we've moved from servos to hydraulics. It makes the exosuit considerably heavier - there will undoubtedly be an impact on how long it can be operated without being obliged to stop and refuel - but the increased power more than makes up for it. However, the hydraulic pumps also take up quite a lot of room, and the only way we've been able to address that problem has been to secure a smaller pilot." [["I'm sure whoever you've selected will be more than up to the task."|3rd line]] [["Is it a chimp?"]]

(set: $redFlags to it + 1)(if: $redFlags > 1)[Again, ]Commissioner Gibson does nothing to acknowlege what you just said. (display: "2nd line")

"Ultimately, in order to secure a smaller pilot, we had to settle for a younger pilot." (if: $redFlags > 2)[You're absolutely certain this can only be a terrible idea. ](elseif: $redFlags > 1)[You get the distinct impression that what follows must be very, very stupid. ](elseif: $redFlags > 0)[You have a bad feeling about this. ]"Ah," you say. [["A new recruit fresh out of the academy?"]]

(set: $redFlags to it + 1)(if: $redFlags < 3)[(if: $redFlags > 1)[Again, ]Commissioner Gibson does nothing to acknowlege what you just said.](else:)[Holy chainsaw-juggling butt goblins! He just keeps on ignoring you!] (display: "3rd line")

"No," says the Commissioner. "Younger than that." [["A Japanese schoolgirl with a particular aptitude for piloting giant robots?"]]

"Getting warmer!" Commissioner Gibson beams. [["A...small boy who thinks he's in a computer simulation designed to test him, but actually he's doing real policework?"]]

"Just a little younger than that..." the Commissioner coaxes you towards the correct answer. The inevitable answer. The answer that you now see all too clearly. [["No," you breathe.]]

[["No."]]

[["Dear God, no."]]

[["No."|no 2]]

[["Oh no."]]

[["No."|no 3]]

[["NO."]]

{ (display: "NOOO") (transition: "shudder")[N] (live: 0.1s)[(stop:)(transition: "shudder")[O]] (live: 0.2s)[(stop:)(transition: "shudder")[O]] (live: 0.3s)[(stop:)(transition: "shudder")[O]] (live: 0.4s)[(stop:)(transition: "shudder")[O]] (live: 0.5s)[(stop:)(transition: "shudder")[O]] (live: 0.6s)[(stop:)(transition: "shudder")[O]] (live: 0.7s)[(stop:)(transition: "shudder")[O]] (live: 0.8s)[(stop:)(transition: "shudder")[O]] (live: 0.9s)[(stop:)(transition: "shudder")[O]] (live: 1s)[(stop:)(transition: "shudder")[O]] (live: 1.1s)[(stop:)(transition: "shudder")[O]] (live: 1.2s)[(stop:)(transition: "shudder")[O]] (live: 1.3s)[(stop:)(transition: "shudder")[O]] (live: 1.4s)[(stop:)(transition: "shudder")[O]] (live: 1.5s)[(stop:)(transition: "shudder")[O]] (live: 1.6s)[(stop:)(transition: "shudder")[O]] (live: 1.7s)[(stop:)(transition: "shudder")[O]] (live: 1.8s)[(stop:)(transition: "shudder")[O]] (live: 1.9s)[(stop:)(transition: "shudder")[O]] (live: 2s)[(stop:)(transition: "shudder")[O]] (live: 2.1s)[(stop:)(transition: "shudder")[O]] (live: 2.2s)[(stop:)(transition: "shudder")[O]] (live: 2.3s)[(stop:)(transition: "shudder")[O]] (live: 2.4s)[(stop:)(transition: "shudder")[O]] (live: 2.5s)[(stop:)(transition: "shudder")[O]] (live: 2.6s)[(stop:)(transition: "shudder")[O]] (live: 2.7s)[(stop:)(transition: "shudder")[O]] (live: 2.8s)[(stop:)(transition: "shudder")[O]] (live: 2.9s)[(stop:)(transition: "shudder")[O]] (live: 3s)[(stop:)(go-to: "GUNBABY start")[O]] }

{ (set: $HUD to true) (replace: ?HUDstartup)[(display: "HUD header")] (set: $power to 31) }You sit in the command centre, monitoring the camera feed from Project Themis: a heavily armoured cybernetic weapons platform piloted by - and it pains you even to have this concept inside your skull - a literal baby. This is it. This is your life now. You know that cop from //Die Hard// who talks to Bruce Willis over the radio? You're basically that guy, if that guy were Mary Poppins. (if: $mood is "happy")[Officer Giggles smiles at the camera and drools a little into the mic.](elseif: $mood is "grumpy")[You want to cry. Officer Giggles' bottom lip is quivering a bit too.](elseif: $mood is "sleepy")[Officer Giggles shares none of your concerns, dozing in the cockpit of Project Themis.](else:)[Officer Giggles prods at the camera with a pudgy hand, smearing the lens with baby grease.] (display: "break") [[BEGIN MISSION]] [[END THIS MADNESS]]

{ (display: "mech footsteps") (set: $continue to "street") (unless: $mood is "sleepy")[(set: $action to (either: "scan numberplates", "patrol elsewhere", "wander into traffic", "generic event"))] (else:)[(set: $action to "sleep")] }Officer Giggles stumbles $description onto the road just outside the police station, standing unsteadily on the very edge of the curb. You're not sure whether this is the best place to trial Project Themis, but it's probably not the worst one at least. (display: "break") [[SCAN NUMBERPLATES FOR STOLEN VEHICLES|$action]] [[PATROL ELSEWHERE|$action]]

{ (display: "mech footsteps") }"Nope!" you announce, standing and lifting your hands from the console. "I'm sorry, I know this is probably going to get me fired, but this whole situation is ridiculous. You can't put a baby in a deadly armoured mech-suit. I refuse to allow this to happen." "Well," says Commissioner Gibson, "that isn't up to you. Officer Giggles has complete control of Project Themis: your role is purely advisory." "What?" you ask. There is a sudden hiss of hydraulics as Officer Giggles stomps (if: $mood is "happy")[cheerily](elseif: $mood is "grumpy")[angrily](elseif: $mood is "sleepy")[drowsily](else:)[unsteadily] towards the open shutters of the police garage. (display: "break") [[BEGIN MISSION]]

|HUDheader>[(if: $mood is "happy")[(display: "happy baby")(display: "heart rate")](elseif: $mood is "grumpy")[(display: "grumpy baby")(display: "heart rate fast")](elseif: $mood is "sleepy")[(display: "sleepy baby")(display: "heart rate slow")](else:)[(display: "bored baby")(display: "heart rate slow")]]

{ (replace: ?HUDheader)[(display: "HUD header")] }(text-colour: "grey")[Crimes prevented: $crimesPrevented(if: $casualties > 0)[ Casualties: $casualties](if: $damageCaused > 0)[ Damage caused: `$`$damageCaused] (if: $power < 6)[(text-colour: "red")[(text-style: "fade-in-out")[Power: $power]]](else:)[Power: $power]]

{ (set: $mood to "sleepy") }Officer Giggles dozes quietly. (display: "break") [[DO NOTHING|$continue]] [[SOUND AIR HORN|wake]]

This passage is unused.

{ (set: $mood to "grumpy") (display: "airhorn") }Officer Giggles does not respond positively to the experience. (display: "break") [[BRACE YOURSELF]]

{ (set: $HUD to true) }

{ (if: $mood is "happy")[ (either: "cheerily", "casually", "delightedly", "quickly")] (elseif: $mood is "grumpy")[ (either: "angrily", "forcefully", "casually", "grouchily")] (elseif: $mood is "sleepy")[ (either: "dozily", "slowly", "unsteadily", "lethargically")] (else:)[ (either: "casually", "distractedly", "absent-mindedly", "thoughtlessly")] }

{ (set: $continue to "cafe") (unless: $mood is "sleepy")[(set: $action to (either: "community outreach", "community outreach", "cafe facial recognition", "cafe facial recognition", "patrol elsewhere", "patrol elsewhere", "cakes", "cafe window", "miniguns", "generic event"))] (else:)[(set: $action to "sleep")] }Officer Giggles is standing outside a cafe with a window full of treats, breath fogging up the bulletproof dome atop Project Themis' shoulders. (display: "break") [[RUN FACIAL RECOGNITION ON CAFE PATRONS|$action]] [[INITIATE COMMUNITY OUTREACH PROTOCOL ALPHA|$action]] [[PATROL ELSEWHERE|$action]]

{ (display: "laugh") }The cakes and pastries on the tables out front command a certain portion of the tiny gendarme's attention. The bulletproof glass of Project Themis' domed cockpit does not allow for the consumption of such delectables, but (set: _damage to (random: 5, 20))(set: $damageCaused to it + _damage)`$`_damage worth of patesserie items are mangled nonetheless. (display: "break") [[IT'S QUITE A MESS|patrol elsewhere]]

(display: (either: "snot", "dribble", "distraction", "nappy"))

Officer Giggles ignores you, utterly riveted by a particularly fascinating string of snot stretching from nose to finger. (display: "break") [[OKAY THEN|$continue]]

{ (unless: $mood is "sleepy")[(set: $action to (either: "cafe", "window rocket"))] (else:)[(set: $action to "sleep")] }You can tell from the eye-tracking data that Officer Giggles is rather taken with the string of industrial-style hipster lightbulbs hanging just inside the cafe window. (display: "break") [[LET OFFICER GIGGLES ENJOY THE CAFE DECOR|$action]] [[NO. LEAVE IT.|$action]]

{ (set: $continue to "park") (set: $event to (either: "dog", "purse thief", "playground")) (unless: $mood is "sleepy")[(set: $action to (either: "generic event", "patrol elsewhere"))] (else:)[(set: $action to "sleep")] }Officer Giggles meanders $description around a small city park. (display: $event) [[PATROL ELSEWHERE|$action]]

{ (set: $action to (either: "miniguns deactivated", "miniguns fired")) }Officer Giggles $description paws at the buttons on Project Themis' dashboard, initiating community outreach protocol //beta//, which causes its twin wrist-mounted miniguns to spin up. (display: "break") [[PLEASE STOP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING|$action]] [[DEAR GOD WHY?|$action]]

{ (display: "explosion") }Unfortunately, Officer Giggles' fascination with the cafe decor manifests itself in the form of a high-explosive rocket sent straight through the front window. You reckon that's about (set: _damage to (random: 100000, 200000))(set: $damageCaused to it + _damage)`$`_damage worth of damage to the building (give or take) though of greater concern are the (set: _casualties to (random: 6, 15))(set: $casualties to it + _casualties)_casualties people who were in the cafe at the time and, uh, aren't any more. (display: "break") [[IT'S QUITE A MESS|patrol elsewhere]]

Officer Giggles stares at something in the middle distance, dribbling profusely. (display: "break") [[WAIT|$continue]]

Officer Giggles mashes the console of Project Themis. Not, like, the actual buttons or anything. Just an especially engaging section of the faux leather dashboard. (display: "break") [[FAUXTASTIC|$continue]]

{ (display: "gunshots") }Officer Giggles inadvertently sprays the cafe with a hail of lead, gunning down a barista and (set: _casualties to (random: 3, 6))(set: $casualties to it + _casualties + 1)_casualties patrons. It also causes approximately (set: _damage to (random: 5000, 10000))(set: $damageCaused to it + _damage)`$`_damage worth of damage, but that seems largely inconsequential in comparison. (display: "break") [[IT'S CERTAINLY NOT IDEAL|patrol elsewhere]]

(display: "bulletpoint") (display: "bulletpoint") (display: "bulletpoint")

This passage is unused.

{ (set: $continue to "street") (unless: $mood is "sleepy")[(set: $action to (either: "scan numberplates", "scan numberplates", "scan numberplates", "patrol elsewhere", "patrol elsewhere", "wander into traffic", "generic event"))] (else:)[(set: $action to "sleep")] }Officer Giggles is standing on the edge of a busy road. (display: "break") [[SCAN NUMBERPLATES FOR STOLEN VEHICLES|$action]] [[PATROL ELSEWHERE|$action]]

{ (display: "mech footsteps") }Project Themis wanders out into traffic and - somewhat inevitably - suffers a collision. Nestled within the armoured cockpit, Officer Giggles remains not only unharmed, but completely oblivious. The (either: "Fiat Punto", "Ford Focus", "Vauxhall Astra"), however, is a total write-off: that's (set: _damage to (random: 5000, 10000))(set: $damageCaused to it + _damage)`$`_damage of the department's budget down the drain right there. (display: "break") [[OH WELL|patrol elsewhere]]

{ (display: "mech footsteps") (set: $action to (either: "street", "cafe", "park", "bank", "road", "square", "junction", "corner")) }Officer Giggles toddles $description towards a $action. (display: "break") [[ALRIGHTY THEN|(either: "$action", "$action", "$action", "choose again")]] [[NO, NOT THERE!|(either: "$action", "$action", "$action", "choose again")]]

{ (set: $continue to "patrol elsewhere") (unless: $mood is "sleepy")[(set: $action to (either: "stop car", "stop car", "patrol elsewhere", "generic event"))] (else:)[(set: $action to "sleep")] }Officer Giggles mashes the controls of Project Themis and somehow manages to start up its ANPR system. (either: "No vehicles show up as having been stolen, but one appears to be uninsured.", "It doesn't take long before the machine registers a stolen car.") (display: "break") [[FLAG DOWN SUSPECT VEHICLE|$action]] [[LEAVE WELL ALONE|$action]]

{ (set: $continue to "patrol elsewhere") (unless: $mood is "grumpy")[(set: $action to (either: "arrest driver", "issue driver fine", "destroy suspect car"))] (else:)[(set: $action to "destroy suspect car")] }Officer Giggles steers Project Themis $description into the road in front of the car, which is obliged to stop. The driver rolls down (either: "his", "her") window: "What seems to be the problem, officer?" (display: "break") [[ARREST DRIVER|$action]] [[ISSUE ON-THE-SPOT FINE|$action]]

{ (display: "laugh") (set: $crimesPrevented to it + 1) }Officer Giggles slaps at the controls of Project Themis with a pudgy hand, and by some miracle manages to summon a police van. The suspect is detained without incident. (display: "break") [[HOLY S*** IT WORKED|patrol elsewhere]]

{ (display: "laugh") (set: $crimesPrevented to it + 1) }Officer Giggles leans forward and gums the controls (which you hope are fairly drool-proof). By some miracle, this causes Project Themis' dot-matrix printer to produce the appropriate paperwork for an on-the-spot fine... ...to the value of $(print: (random: 80, 100)),000. You've got to imagine that'll go down a bit on appeal. (display: "break") [[STILL, IT'S SOMETHING|patrol elsewhere]]

{ (set: $mood to "grumpy") (display: "explosion") }Officer Giggles smacks at the controls with both hands, (either: "riddling the suspect car - and several others - with bullets from the twin miniguns mounted on both of Project Themis' wrists", "sending a rocket-propelled grenade through the passenger window and utterly annihilating the car"). The noise is deafening: Officer Giggles certainly doesn't like it. Well, that's going to be about (set: $casualties to it + 1)(set: _damage to (random: 100000, 200000))(set: $damageCaused to it + _damage)`$`_damage in out-of-court settlements, and of course the suspect has been reduced to a fine red mist. You suppose it's lucky no one else was hurt, but still... (display: "break") [[F***|patrol elsewhere]]

(set: $mood to "happy")(display: "laugh" + (text: (random: 1, 3)))

{ (display: "mech footsteps") (set: $action to (either: "street", "cafe", "park", "road", "square", "junction", "corner")) }Officer Giggles makes an unsteady swerve and potters $description towards a nearby $action instead. (display: "break") [[ALRIGHTY THEN|$action]] [[NO, NOT THERE!|$action]]

Officer Giggles continues to paw at the controls of Project Themis, causing its miniguns to spin back down again. (display: "break") [[THAT'S A RELIEF|patrol elsewhere]]

{ (display: "laugh") (set: $crimesPrevented to it + 1) }Officer Giggles engages Project Themis' back-mounted missile pod, sending a rocket screaming into the sky. It bursts violently in midair, scattering leaflets headed "HOW CAN (text-style: "underline")[YOU] PREVENT BICYCLE THEFT?" across a 500 metre radius. Officer Giggles watches them flutter to the ground with delight. A moustachioed young man sitting at the cafe skims the leaflet that has landed at his table, stands suddenly, then moves to adjust the lock affixing his penny farthing to a nearby lamppost. (display: "break") [[KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE|patrol elsewhere]]

{ (unless: $mood is "sleepy")[(set: $action to (either: "community outreach", "patrol elsewhere", "cakes", "cafe window", "miniguns", "generic event"))] (else:)[(set: $action to "sleep")] }Officer Giggles somehow sets Project Themis to scan the cafe patrons for anybody with an outstanding arrest warrant. There are no matches. (display: "break") [[INITIATE COMMUNITY OUTREACH PROTOCOL ALPHA|$action]] [[PATROL ELSEWHERE|$action]]

{ (set: $action to (either: $action, "pet the dog", "pet the dog", "pet the dog")) }There is a sweet old lady walking a sweet little dog. (display: "break") [[PET THE DOG|$action]] [[FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T PET THE DOG!!!|$action]]

{ (set: $action to (either: $action, "pursue purse thief", "pursue purse thief", "shoot purse thief", "shoot purse thief")) }Suddenly, (either: "a man in a hoodie", "some sketchy-looking guy") snatches a woman's purse and runs away with it! (display: "break") [[PURSUE PURSE THIEF|$action]] [[REPORT CRIME TO HQ|$action]]

{ (set: $action to (either: $action, "play on playground", "play on playground")) }The small/gargantuan constable seems rather taken with a nearby play area, if Project Themis' eye-tracking cameras are anything to go by. (display: "break") [[LET OFFICER GIGGLES PLAY|$action]] [[FORBID OFFICER GIGGLES FROM USING THE PLAY AREA WHILE ON DUTY|$action]]

{ (display: "laugh") (set: $damageCaused to it + 500) }Officer Giggles clambers onto a climbing frame, smushing $500 worth of powder-coated steel beneath Project Themis' $500,000 tungsten boots. (display: "break") [[OH WELL|patrol elsewhere]]

{ (display: "laugh") (set: _coin to (either: "heads", "heads", "heads", "tails")) }(if: _coin is "heads")[(display: "splat")(set: $casualties to it + 1)Officer Giggles pats the dog with fifty kilonewtons of force, reducing the poor creature to (either: "a sort of canine salsa", "what's probably most generously described as a slurry", "a vaguely dog-shaped puddle of mangled organs", "hairy pâté"). (display: "break") [[THAT REALLY BUMS YOU OUT|patrol elsewhere]]]\ (else:)[Officer Giggles lumbers towards the little dog and gives it a gentle stroke with Project Themis' military-grade hydraulic fist. Awwww. The dog yips happily. (display: "break") [[LEAVE BEFORE ANYTHING HORRIBLE HAPPENS|patrol elsewhere]]]

{ (display: "mech footsteps") (set: $crimesPrevented to it + 1) }Officer Giggles thunders after the purse-snatcher, who gives himself up the moment he notices that the earth is shaking and thinks to look behind him. The woman gratefully retrieves her purse while a non-mechanised police officer makes the actual arrest. (The chase, brief as it was, attracted the attention of pretty much everyone nearby.) (display: "break") [[GENUINE AMAZEMENT|patrol elsewhere]]

{ (display: "gunshots") (set: $casualties to it + 1) (set: $crimesPrevented to it + 1) }Officer Giggles activates Project Themis' wrist-mounted miniguns and unleashes a hail of bullets against the purse-snatcher. Both he and the woman's purse are obliterated in the assault. Arguably a crime has been prevented, but you can't imagine anybody will be particularly happy about it - least of all whoever has to clean that up. (display: "break") [[SLINK AWAY LOUDLY|patrol elsewhere]]

{ (set: $continue to "patrol elsewhere") }(display: "event selector")

(display: (either: "destroy mailbox", "step on pedestrian", "mugger", "blow up bus", "tear up lamppost", "giant food"))

{ (set: $continue to "patrol elsewhere") }(display: "event selector")

{ (display: "laugh") }Officer Giggles plucks a mailbox out of the tarmac with hydraulic super-strength and flails it around contentedly. You estimate the damage to be around the value of (set: _damage to (random: 300, 600))(set: $damageCaused to it + _damage)`$`_damage. (display: "break") [[BAD OFFICER GIGGLES|patrol elsewhere]]

{ (display: "splat") (set: $casualties to it + 1) }Officer Giggles accidentally steps on (either: "an old lady", "a jogger", "a snooty businessman holding a loud conversation on a bluetooth earpiece", "a guy with a sandwich-board reading 'THE END IS NIGH' (which, you suppose, it was for him)", "one of those charity muggers", "a blind man", "a busker", "one of those street performers who spraypaints themselves silver and pretends to be a robot: you're not 100% certain what irony is, but you think this might be it"). (display: "break") [[IT'S PRETTY GROSS|patrol elsewhere]]

{ (unless: $mood is "sleepy")[(set: $action to (either: "subdue mugger", "kill mugger", "kill mugger and victim", "generic event"))] (else:)[(set: $action to "sleep")] }Officer Giggles stumbles across a mugging in progress! (display: "break") [[SUBDUE MUGGER|$action]] [[CALL FOR BACKUP|$action]]

{ (display: "explosion") (set: _casualties to (random: 20, 50)) (set: $casualties to it + _casualties) (set: _damage to (random: 20000, 50000)) (set: $damageCaused to it + _damage) }Officer Giggles blows up a bus. You're not even sure how it happens. One minute there's a `$`_damage bus idling in the road, the next minute that bus and its _casualties occupants have been replaced by a smouldering wreck and a crowd of horrified onlookers. (display: "break") [[HOPE FERVENTLY THAT THIS IS ALL JUST A TERRIBLE DREAM|patrol elsewhere]] [[UNDERSTAND DEEP DOWN THAT IT ISN'T|patrol elsewhere]]

{ (set: $crimesPrevented to it + 1) (display: "laugh") }Officer Giggles pounds the controls of Project Themis, causing a Tazer dart to shoot out of its chestplate and into the mugger's (either: "groin", "pendular sweetbreads", "left butt cheek"). The bright sparks and jolly little dance that result from this are evidently delightful. (display: "break") [[JOB WELL DONE, OFFICER GIGGLES|patrol elsewhere]]

{ (display: "splat") (set: $crimesPrevented to it + 1) (set: $casualties to it + 1) }Officer Giggles reaches out with a hydlaulic fist and squishes the mugger's head like an uncut grape. Even his victim is horrified. (display: "break") [[HOW DID ANYBODY NOT SEE THIS COMING?|patrol elsewhere]]

{ (display: "explosion") (set: _casualties to (random: 3, 6)) (set: $casualties to it + 2 + _casualties) }Officer Giggles slaps at the controls of Project Themis, somehow completing the seven-step sequence of button-presses necessary to arm and detonate its close-proximity antipersonnel system. A ring of claymore mines around the unit's waist fire in unison, killing the mugger, his intended victim, and _casualties people who had gathered around to see what on earth was going on here. (display: "break") [[AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!|patrol elsewhere]]

{ (display: "power down") }Project Themis is out of power, and Officer Giggles' work is done. # THE END (live: 3s)[(stop:)[[Or is it?]]]

{ (display: "cry") }(display: (either: "nuke", "demolish building", "rampage", "rampage", "rampage", "kick car", "kick car", "tantrum"))

(set: $mood to "grumpy")<audio 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autoplay>

{ (set: $mood to "grumpy") (display: "explosion") (set: $casualties to (random: 7774188300, 7775000000)) (set: $damageCaused to (random: 30000000000000, 50000000000000)) }Officer Giggles activates Project Themis' short-range tactical nuclear device - a thing you are only just now learning is, you know, a thing - obliterating a nearby suburb. The attack is erroniously attributed to a hostile foreign power by the National Department of Nuclear Security, who in a truly //Twilight Zone//-level of coincidence have happened to pick today of all days to hand control of their instruments to a chimpanzee in a cybernetic exoskeleton. A retaliatory strike is launched immediately. The ensuing thermonuclear exchange destroys all property everywhere on the planet, as well as every organism capable of comprehending the very concept of ownership (including you). Officer Giggles is the only survivor.

{ (set: $mood to "grumpy") (display: "explosion") (set: _casualties to (random: 50, 200)) (set: _damage to (random: 50000, 200000)) (set: $casualties to it + _casualties) (set: $damageCaused to it + _damage) }Officer Giggles launches several rockets into a nearby building, utterly levelling it. That's about `$`_damage worth of property reduced to rubble, and shall we say _casualties people dead? We're going to say _casualties because it's probably a fair bit higher, and you just can't handle that right now. (display: "break") [[CURL UP INTO A BALL AND HUG YOUR KNEES ON YOUR LITTLE OFFICE CHAIR|patrol elsewhere]]

{ (set: $mood to "grumpy") (display: "gunshots") (set: _casualties to (random: 10, 25)) (set: _damage to (random: 25000, 50000)) (set: $casualties to it + _casualties) (set: $damageCaused to it + _damage) }Officer Giggles goes absolutely bananas and climbs a nearby skyscraper, doing `$`_damage worth of damage on the way up and gunning down _casualties biplanes after reaching the top. The Historical Aviation Society will never be the same again. (display: "break") [[THIS HAS BEEN JUST THE WORST DAY|patrol elsewhere]]

{ (set: $mood to "grumpy") (display: "explosion") (set: _casualties to (random: 3, 5)) (set: _damage to (random: 1000, 10000)) (set: $casualties to it + _casualties) (set: $damageCaused to it + _damage) }Officer Giggles uses one of Project Themis' giant tungsten feet to punt a car into the Sun, killing all _casualties occupants. (display: "break") [[SOB UNCONTROLLABLY|patrol elsewhere]]

{ (set: $mood to "grumpy") (display: "cry") }Officer Giggles throws a massive tantrum, falling to the ground and flailing around with giant mechanical limbs. Under the circumstances it's probably the least concerning thing that could have happened, but it's still pretty embarrassing for you as the adult in charge of this particular child. (display: "break") [[AWKWARD|patrol elsewhere]]

{ (set: $HUD to false) (replace: ?HUDstartup)[] }Commissioner Gibson pats you on the back. "Well," he says, "I wouldn't say that was a flawless first run, but I'm sure you'll do better tomorrow." (display: "break") [[DESPAIR]]

{ (set: $HUD to false) (replace: ?HUDstartup)[] }Suddenly, the lights in the police station go out all at once. Commissioner Gibson appears, holding a loose plug: presumably the plug that powers all the equipment in the police station. Weird how there's only one. "I'm sorry," he sais, "but this has all been a terrible mistake. We've lost $casualties good people as a direct result of Project Themis and it must stop now." You breathe a sigh of relief: finally everyone will see sense! Gibson turns to you: "Naturally I hold you personally responsible." (display: "break") [[DESPAIR]]

{ (set: $HUD to false) (replace: ?HUDstartup)[] }Suddenly, the lights in the police station go out all at once. Commissioner Gibson appears, holding a loose plug: presumably the plug that powers all the equipment in the police station. Weird how there's only one. "I'm sorry," he sais, "but this has all been a terrible mistake. We've seen `$`$damageCaused worth of property damage as a direct result of Project Themis and it must stop now." You breathe a sigh of relief: finally everyone will see sense! Gibson turns to you: "Naturally the costs will be coming out of your pay cheque." (display: "break") [[DESPAIR]]

# THE END (if: (history:) contains "ending")[(FOR REAL THIS TIME)]

Officer Giggles appears to be concentrating very hard for a moment. A little light blinks into life on the console in front of you: (text-colour: "orange")[(text-style: "fade-in-out")[COCKPIT AIR QUALITY LOW]] (display: "break") [[INITIATE AUGEAS PROTOCOL|$continue]]

Officer Giggles stumbles $description into the bank foyer. (display: (either: "ordinary bank", "ordinary bank", "bank robbery"))

{ (set: $continue to "patrol elsewhere") (unless: $mood is "sleepy")[(set: $action to (either: "shoot up bank", "patrol elsewhere", "generic event"))] (else:)[(set: $action to "sleep")] }There is a big queue of people all waiting to bank cheques or complete similar financial errands. There is also one (1) bank teller whose job it is to serve this mammoth queue. Nobody here will benefit from the presence of a baby in a heavily armed mech suit. (display: "break") [[PLEASE JUST LEAVE, OFFICER GIGGLES|$action]]

{ (set: $continue to "patrol elsewhere") (set: $action to (either: "kill bank robbers", "kill bank robbers", "kill bank robbers", "robbers give up", "robbers give up", "robbers give up", "skiing holiday", "patrol elsewhere", "generic event")) }A gang of men in balaclavas turn to stare in surprise! (display: "break") [[APPLY LETHAL FORCE|$action]] [[ISSUE WARNING TO ROBBERS|$action]] [[CALL FOR BACKUP|$action]]

{ (display: "gunshots") }Officer Giggles lets rip with Project Themis' twin wrist-mounted miniguns, obliterating (set: _damage to (random: 5000000, 6000000))(set: $damageCaused to it + _damage)`$`_damage in cash and (set: _casualties to (random: 20, 40))(set: $casualties to it + _casualties)_casualties people. (display: "break") [[OH, THE HUMANITY!|patrol elsewhere]]

{ (set: $crimesPrevented to it + 1) }"We surrender!" The robbers throw down their weapons and stick their hands in the air almost before Officer Giggles has a chance to do anything. (The thing Officer Giggles chooses to do is blow a massive snot bubble.) (display: "break") [[GOOD JOB, GIGGLES|patrol elsewhere]]

{ (display: "gunshots") (set: $crimesPrevented to it + 1) (set: _casualties to (random: 5, 10)) (set: $casualties to it + _casualties) }"We surren-" Officer Giggles guns down the _casualties armed gang members, then proceeds to pepper their corpses with bullets. Presumably just because. (display: "break") [[THAT SEEMED UNNECESSARY|patrol elsewhere]]

{ (display: "gunshots") (set: _casualties to (random: 5, 10)) (set: $casualties to it + _casualties) }"WAIT!" One of the masked men raises a hand, which is the only excuse Officer Giggles needs to gun down all _casualties of them. "We were only here to transfer the deposit for our...skiing holiday..." he gurgles with his last breath. (display: "break") [[WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?|patrol elsewhere]]

This passage is unused.

Officer Giggles tears a lamppost from the ground and drags it along for a while, scratching several parked cars in the process. It'll cost about (set: _damage to (random: 1000, 6000))(set: $damageCaused to it + _damage)`$`_damage to fix. (display: "break") [[NOT COOL|patrol elsewhere]]

{ (display: "laugh") }Officer Giggles becomes suddenly enamoured with the giant fibreglass (either: "taco", "ice cream cone", "burger", "donut") fastened over the door of a local eatery and tears it down to get a better look. It'll cost about (set: _damage to (random: 500, 2000))(set: $damageCaused to it + _damage)`$`_damage for the business to put it back up there. (display: "break") [[YOU KNOW IT'S NOT REAL FOOD, RIGHT?|patrol elsewhere]]

↶

↷

GUNBABY

by
Damon L. Wakes

START GAME

WAIT, WHAT?