Ned Nelson Really Needs a Job

Your name is Ned Nelson. And you really need a job. You were laid off a year ago for reasons we won't go into here, and despite the hundreds and hundreds of resumes you've sent and job boards you've clicked on... NOBODY... NOT NOBODY... ...has so much as called you in for an interview. Until now. [[NEXT->Lobby 2]]

It takes a conscious effort to open the door and continue into Mr. Jett's office. You are greeted by the following sight: Mr. Jett, who cannot be older than 25, impossibly well-dressed in a purple shirt and a sharp vest. In full Downward Dog pose on top of his desk. You wait for him to acknowledge you. He doesn't. [[Announce your presence]] [[Sit and wait quietly->Sit and wait quietly 1]]

You clear your throat. "Uh, hi...Mr. Jett-" He interrupts without moving. "Bro. Just got five minutes left on this pose. You can't wait five fucking minutes?" You wonder why he didn't just call you in five minutes later, but you're in no position to argue. [[Sit and wait quietly->Forced Wait]] (set: $score -=1)

You really need this job, so you aren't going to make a fuss. You sit down, and wait. You examine the office. It's decked out with pictures of Mr. Jett in various countries, always grinning like a maniac. All of the furniture is absurdly expensive-looking. The desk looks like it's hand-carved mahogany. And...is that a soft serve machine next to his desk? [[Continue waiting->Sit and wait quietly 2]]

You force yourself to choke out a weak "ha-ha." This just makes Mr. Jett laugh again, louder this time. "This guy fucking gets it! I'm funny, right? I'm a funny guy! Aw man, does this guy fucking GET. IT." He just sits there, long enough for the awkwardness to move up a DEFCON level. [[NEXT->Laugh at the "joke" 2]] |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face")]

You're not sure if you're supposed to laugh, so you don't. Mr. Jett sits there for a minute. His face starts to fall. You realize he's actually still waiting for you to laugh, but it's too late. So much time has passed that to laugh now would make you seem like a full-on psychopath. Mr. Jett finally breaks the painful silence. "The buddy-man's not a comedy-man, I see. Well, hey. Just so we're as clear as capisce, I'm a funny guy. Some people see that. Some people don't. And that's cool! That's cool, man, not everybody can be a...can be a seeing-person. That's cool, right?" Is he asking you? You decide he is. "Uh, yeah, I guess that's cool." [[NEXT->Don't laugh 2]] |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face")] (set: $score -=1)

It's time for the Bullshit Train to chug full steam ahead. "Well," you say, "My last job had started to feel a little stale, so I decided to look for something that could broaden my horizons. I promised myself that I wouldn't apply to a job unless I felt a deep passion for the work that they were doing. And the moment I saw your posting, and researched your company and all the...things...that you, uh, do, I knew. I knew that Toe to Tail was the place where I could be really challenged to do my best work." You stop and catch your breath. You're actually pretty proud of yourself for making that up on the spot! And surprised, frankly. Now to find out how Mr. Jett feels about it. [[Find out->New Challenge 2]] |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face")] (set: $score -=1)

You decide to try the flattery game. "Well honestly, Mr. Jett," you say, "I wanted to work for you. At my last job, I had started to lose respect for my boss. So I decided to look for a place where I could work under someone I really admired. And when I found you all, and more specifically YOU, Mr. Jett, I knew that you were the kind of leader we need more of in this world. And so I jumped at the chance to apply here." You stop and catch your breath. You're actually pretty proud of yourself for making that up on the spot! And surprised, frankly. Now to find out how Mr. Jett feels about it. [[Find out->Work for Jett 2]] |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face")]

Your last job didn't exactly bring out your strengths. You're sure you must have some...somewhere. You decide to make shit up. "I would say I'm great at following directions. My real strength is taking what my boss asks me to do and following through on that, no questions asked." "Yeah, Ned my man! Yeah! So if I asked you to fucking DROP EVERYTHING and, like, go throw your keyboard in the trash or something, you'd just GET RIGHT THE FUCK ON THAT SHIT, right?" That strikes you as an extremely specific scenario. "Oh...uh, yeah? Totes?" "Totes indeed, my man! Totes indeed." [[NEXT->Ask me a question]] |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face")]

Your last job didn't exactly bring out your strengths. You're sure you must have some...somewhere. You decide to make shit up. "I would say it's my work ethic. I just can't rest until I know that I've accounted for every detail and done a job right. It's just in my bones, I guess!" That sounds good, right? Mr. Jett yawns. "Sorry man. That was probably good and shit, but it was also so lame I didn't even hear any of it." [[NEXT->Ask me a question]] |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face")] (set: $score -=1)

You decide to ask Mr. Jett about himself. "I'd just like to know, Mr. Jett...what's your vision for the company?" "Dude, my vision? My VISION? It's all up here man!" He points at his head. "That's where I keep my vision for this place! And that vision...is a bright shiny future for everyone!" He tears up slightly as he says that. "You know that expression about polishing turds?" You are thoroughly confused. "Uh...yup." "Well, imagine the world is that turd. I just want to polish this world-turd until it's so shiny...that everyone just has to wear sunglasses all the fucking time because it's so GOD-DAMN shiny! And then I'd sell them the fucking sunglasses, you know what I'm saying, man?" He starts cracking up at himself. You have no idea what he's saying, so you just try to crack up too. "Okay." Mr. Jett calms himself. "It's that time. Gotta be all like CEO-man over here. So you know what, Ned-buddy?" (if: $score > 3)[[[Uh...what?->PassInterviewGate]]](else:)[[[Uh...what?->FailInterviewGate1]]] |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face")]

(set: $score -=1)You decide you need SOME actual information about this damn company. "I'd just like to know what the employee culture is like here at Toe to Tail." Mr. Jett thinks for a moment. He looks bored. "Uh...pretty dope, I guess." You wait for more. Nothing comes. You try to nudge him. "Yeah?" "Yeah. I don't really know how to answer that question, Neddy-bro! What the fuck kind of a question IS that, anyway?" Now YOU don't know how to answer his question. He keeps talking. "I mean, SERIOUSLY Neddo? There's like...AT LEAST a thousand hundred questions you could have asked, and you pick, like...the LEAST-RAD one. It's like--shit. Okay." Mr. Jett takes a deep breath. Calms himself. "It's that time. Gotta be all like CEO-man over here." You don't know what he's talking about. "So you know what, Ned-buddy?" (if: $score > 3)[[[Uh...what?->PassInterviewGate]]](else:)[[[Uh...what?->FailInterviewGate1]]] |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face")]

Mr. Jett starts to break into tears. "C'mere man. Just come the fuck here." You get up and cautiously make your way around his desk. Mr. Jett gets up and squeezes you in an iron bro-hug. He starts sobbing into your shoulder. "I think this could be the start of some beautiful shit, man," he says. "I just...can't even take it. You're a beautiful, beautiful dude, bro." He chokes on his tears a little, then wipes his eyes directly on your shoulder. You don't know what to say, other than, "Thanks...Jett...man." He stands back a little. "Ned." "What?" "Ned-baby. Nedderoni and Cheese." "What?" He goes to a door in the back of his office. "Come with me, Ned-Man-Du. Lemme show you how we GET SHIT DONE here at Toe to Tail. Or as I like to call it..." [["The Trip Ts?"->FailTripTGate]] [[Don't say anything]] |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face", "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face - Got the job")]

"The Trip T's?" you finish for him. Mr. Jett immediately freezes. He turns to look at you. "What...the FUCK?" he asks. "What, you think...you think you're some kinda SMARTY-ASS-PANTS-GUY?" "Hey, I...I'm sorry, Mr. Jett..." you stammer. In a flash, Mr. Jett crosses the room and SLUGS you right in the face! You hit the floor instantly. He presses his foot into your throat. "Let's get shit REAL CLEAR, bro-town. I'M the funny guy around here. ME. Anyone else around here thinks they're funny is a FUCKING POSER. You got that shit?" He digs his shoe harder into your neck. "Yup. Got that shit," you gurgle. "Great. Now I want you to take yourself, and then PUT your-fucking-self, OUT OF THIS OFFICE, man! I want you to do BOTH of those steps! IN THAT FUCKING ORDER, NEDDISTAN!" There's no sense fighting it. You get up, and you leave his office, never to return. TWO WEEKS LATER You now live in a box on the street. The end. --- Congratulations! Ned has reached Ending 8 of 15. Try again? |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 1", "Lobby 1")] (if: $ReachedHallway is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 2", "Hallway 1")] (if: $ReachedTruePunch is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 3", "Time To Go")]

You decide to let him finish exactly the way you know he's going to. "...the Trip T's!" He laughs at his own "joke" again. You laugh too, then he laughs harder, and pretty soon you're forcing yourself to guffaw as hard as you can, both of you sounding like genuine crazy people. Suddenly, Mr. Jett stops. "Okay, let's open this fucking door." [[NEXT->PART 2]] |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face", "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face - Got the job")]

You decide you've had it with this guy. Before he can react, before he can call you another infuriating nickname, you leap onto his desk, ball up your fist, and drive it straight into this asshole's nose. Your experience of this moment surprises you. Because it isn't the feeling of his septum snapping like a toothpick that gives you the most joy. It's the moment just before, when you happen to catch his eyes and you can see, in perfect clarity, that he knows the punch is coming but there's not a god-damn thing he can do about it. That maybe for the first time in this man's life, he knows beyond the shadow of a doubt that things are not about to go his way. That in this one, infinitesimally small moment, his entire worldview has shattered as he is forced to confront the idea that perhaps he is not the bright center of the known Universe. And then his septum snaps like a toothpick under your knuckles and that's pretty great too. The experience is the best of your life. Better than that time you actually got an A in class. Better than any sexual experience you've ever had. Better than the birth of your future children will be, probably. As Mr. Jett is propelled over the back of his chair, to land in a pitiful heap on the ground, you experience total, complete satisfaction. TWO WEEKS LATER You now live in a box on the street. The end. --- Congratulations! Ned has reached Ending 15 of 15. Try again? |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 1", "Lobby 1")] (if: $ReachedHallway is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 2", "Hallway 1")] (if: $ReachedTruePunch is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 3", "Time To Go")]

Mr. Jett takes a deep breath. "I want to formally offer you this job. You would start on Monday." Your heart soars. "Really?" Mr. Jett stands up abruptly, knocking several things over on his desk. "FUCK no, man! You're the most...UN-POLISHED TURD I have ever had to shit! Out of myself!" You start to feel sick. "I want you to take yourself, and then PUT your-fucking-self, OUT OF THIS OFFICE, man! I want you to do BOTH of those steps! IN THAT FUCKING ORDER, NEDDISTAN!" [[NEXT->FailInterviewGate2]]

Mr. Jett opens this fucking door to reveal a hallway. A long, long hallway lined with too many doors to count. They all have names on them, but Mr. Jett begins walking you by them too fast to read any. Two large, mechanical doors stand at the end of the corridor. A sign reads "THE KICKING FLOOR" above them. You start to realize that you can hear something coming from that direction. A strangely high-pitched, possibly animal sound that seems familiar, but is too faint for you to put your finger on. [[NEXT->Hallway 2]] |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face", "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face - Got the job")](set: $morality=2)(set: $ReachedHallway=true)(set: $LostSpiritMessage=false)

//Of course// Mr. Jett believes in magic. You play along. "Yeah. Magic's like...my thing." Not your finest hour, talking-wise, but it seems like it's enough for Mr. Jett. "WELL. You THINK you believe, bro. But after I open these doors, you're gonna believe in magic EVEN MORE than you even THOUGHT. Your believe-in-magic score is gonna, like, go off the fucking CHARTS. They're gonna have to make NEW CHARTS to even KNOW how much believe-in-magic you have!" He grabs a radio off the wall, takes a giant lick of ice cream, and speaks into it, his mouth full. "What's happening, Helen-Bo-Belen!" A sigh from the radio, then a gravelly voice: "Whaddaya want?" "I'm here with my man Neddy, who's gonna be joining us here at The Trip Ts. You wanna let us into where the BIZ-NASS HAPPENS?" Wait. Did he just say...that you're going to be "joining them?" The world falls away. You don't hear Helen-Bo-Belen's response, because all you can think about is...you did it? You actually did it?? Could it be that after all this time, you've landed a real, actual job? That pays you and everything??? You can barely even control yourself as the large doors hiss open and Mr. Jett leads you through them, into... [[THE KICKING FLOOR]] |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face", "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face - Got the job")]

You tell him the truth. "Not really." Mr. Jett frowns. "Ouch. Talk about being a Neddy-Downer. Well, you better get yourself some Change-of-Religion forms, because when you walk through this door, you'll be, like, praying at the Church of Magic forever, man!" He leans too close to you. "FOREVER." He grabs a radio off the wall, takes a giant lick of ice cream, and speaks into it, his mouth full. "What's happening, Helen-Bo-Belen!" A sigh from the radio, then a gravelly voice: "Whaddaya want?" "I'm here with my man Neddy, who's gonna be joining us here at The Trip Ts. You wanna let us into where the BIZ-NASS HAPPENS?" Wait. Did he just say...that you're going to be "joining them?" The world falls away. You don't hear Helen-Bo-Belen's response, because all you can think about is...you did it? You actually did it?? Could it be that after all this time, you've landed a real, actual job? That pays you and everything??? You can barely even control yourself as the large doors hiss open and Mr. Jett leads you through them, into... [[THE KICKING FLOOR]] |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face", "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face - Got the job")]

The first thing you notice is the smell. Hard not to notice actually, as a proper tidal wave of Eau de Moist Dog crashes over you the moment you step onto The Kicking Floor. The second thing you notice is the sound. The cries of tiny, cute pets coming at you from every direction, deafening now that the door is open. Only then do your eyes actually take in where you are. You're standing on a catwalk running through the middle of a large silo that goes on for several stories above and below you. The sides of the silo are lined with hundreds of cages. And the same thing is happening in every cage. The employees of Toe to Tail are literally kicking puppies. Somehow, Toe to Tail is an actual, professional puppy-kicking organization. It takes a second for the scale to really hit you. Mr. Jett has to yell above the noise. "Pretty bomb-dacious, huh? When I started this place in my garage, we could only kick like ten puppies at a time. Now look at this beautiful shit!" You barely register what Mr. Jett is saying. How...how is this possible? "Okay, Ned Dead Redemption, we're gonna head to the control room, where the buttons are pushed, and the, uh...actually I don't know what else happens there. Come on!" He starts heading to a ladder at the other end of the catwalk. Clearly, he wants you to follow him. How badly do you need this job? [[Follow Mr. Jett]] [[Don't follow Mr. Jett]] |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face", "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face - Kicking Floor")]

"Hey, I'd probably just give him a warning? No harm, no foul and all that." Steam practically comes out of Mr. Jett's nostrils. "I see. Neddy-man has, like...a conscience...thing. Should probably get that thing returned to the conscience store, man. I think it's broken. You, like, cracked your conscience screen and now it cuts you a little every time you try to type on it." You don't know what to say to that. Mr. Jett continues. "All that was a metaphor for, like...your conscience." The poor employee speaks up. "Can I go?" Mr. Jett turns on him. "This is Warning Numero Dos, man! Now GET THE FUCK OUT." With impressive speed, the employee slips back through his door and shuts it. "That means Number One in French," Mr. Jett says. "Now, let's make like a cat and boogie." He turns back around, and you both continue to "boogie" down the hallway. Mr. Jett licks his ice cream again. "Huh. This is actually pretty good." [[NEXT->The Kicking Door]] |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face", "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face - Got the job")]

You really need this job. And you're pretty sure you know the answer Mr. Jett is looking for. But to throw a complete stranger under the bus? Do you really need this job this badly? The answer is yes. You absolutely do. "I say dock his pay. For thirty...I mean a month...I mean, you know, whatever." Holy shit, you feel sick just saying it. The employee turns to look at you in horror. "Boom! Done! Don't complain to me!" Mr. Jett claps you on the back. "The Red Nedster over here's making the decisions now! If you don't like making minnie wage for the next month, talk to this bro right here!" He claps you on the back again, with the force of a punch. The employee starts to say something, then realizes it's pointless. He looks at you one more time, in stunned betrayal, then disappears back through his door. "Now," says Mr. Jett. "Let's make like a cat and boogie." He turns back around, and you both continue to "boogie" down the hallway. Mr. Jett licks his ice cream again. "Huh. This is actually pretty good." [[NEXT->The Kicking Door]] |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face", "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face - Got the job")] (set: $morality -=1)

Mr. Jett leads you through the door and into a long, curved hallway that you guess wraps around the entire Kicking Floor. By that logic, each door would have to lead to a cage. Elevators lead up and down to other hallways. You pass a set of stairs labeled "Emergency Exit." Mr. Jett stops at one of the doors. It's labeled C-13. "Neddy-Weddy, my man, I gotta ask you a question." "Uh, okay," you say. "Ask away." "Do you know what a family is?" "Um. Uh, yes." "That's great, my bro, because that's what we are here. Everybody is connected to each other by love, and, like...time and stuff. If you're gonna be here, we gotta be real special bros, man." You start sweating. "I see." "You know what being a bro means? It means never saying bad shit to each other. Even if you know I'm super fucking wrong, it means never saying bad shit to me. And I'm ready to have that special connection with you, man. You ready for that shit?" He opens his arms to solicit a hug. [[Hug Mr. Jett]] [[Don't hug - you like to keep things professional]] (if: $morality < 1)[(You have lost the spirit to punch Mr. Jett directly in his face.)] (else:)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face", "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face - Kicking Floor")]

You slowly take the steel-toed boots off the wall. This is actually the first time you've seen a pair in person. You just stand there, the stiff leather in your hands. Biscuit rolls onto his back, fervently imploring you for a belly rub. "Ah, the steel-toed boots. Interesting choice there, my man. Really interested in what shaking things up can do. Might really bring in the dough, you know what I mean?" Maybe for the first time today, you do know what he means. "Well, Neddy-boy, what are you waiting for? I want you to kick little Biscuit there so hard he can see the fuckin' FUTURE, man. And I mean it. No wimpy hits." He puts a hand on your shoulder. "If you don't kick that bad boy with every last drop of muscle-juice, that's gonna be pretty not cool, my man." Slowly, you put on the steel-toed boots and lace them tight. You look down at Biscuit. He seems to be confused as to why his belly rub is taking so long. You are suddenly keenly, painfully aware that no matter what choice you make in this moment, it's something that you can never take back. [[Kick Biscuit as hard as you can]] [[Try to fake a hard kick without really hurting Biscuit]] (if: $morality < 1)[(unless: $LostSpiritMessage is true)[(You have lost the spirit to punch Mr. Jett directly in his face.) (set: $LostSpiritMessage=true)]] (else:)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face", "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face - Steel-Toed Boots")]

You slowly take the brass knuckles off the wall. This is actually the first time you've seen a pair in person. You just stand there, the cold metal in your hands. Biscuit rolls onto his back, fervently imploring you for a belly rub. "Ooooooh, good choice, my man," Mr. Jett says. "Those are my favorites. Really wanting to see those bad babies in action. Think they're gonna really bring in the dough, you know what I mean?" Maybe for the first time today, you do know what he means. "Well, Neddy-boy, what are you waiting for? I want you to smack little Biscuit there so hard he can see the fuckin' FUTURE, man. And I mean it. No wimpy hits." He puts a hand on your shoulder. "If you don't hit that bad boy with every last drop of muscle-juice, that's gonna be pretty not cool, my man." Slowly, you put the brass knuckles on. You look down at Biscuit. He seems to be confused as to why his belly rub is taking so long. You are suddenly keenly, painfully aware that no matter what choice you make in this moment, it's something that you can never take back. [[Hit Biscuit as hard as you can]] [[Try to fake a hard punch without really hurting Biscuit]] (if: $morality < 1)[(unless: $LostSpiritMessage is true)[(You have lost the spirit to punch Mr. Jett directly in his face.) (set: $LostSpiritMessage=true)]] (else:)|hidevisited>[[[Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face->TruePunch1]]]

You slowly take the nunchucks off the wall. This is actually the first time you've held a pair. You just stand there, the heavy wood in your hands. Biscuit rolls onto his back, fervently imploring you for a belly rub. "Ah, the nunchucks. Interesting choice there, my man. Really interested in what shaking things up can do. Might really bring in the dough, you know what I mean?" Maybe for the first time today, you do know what he means. "Well, Neddy-boy, what are you waiting for? I want you to smack little Biscuit there so hard he can see the fuckin' FUTURE, man. And I mean it. No wimpy hits." He puts a hand on your shoulder. "If you don't hit that bad boy with every last drop of muscle-juice, that's gonna be pretty not cool, my man." You grip the nunchucks tightly and look down at Biscuit. He seems to be confused as to why his belly rub is taking so long. You are suddenly keenly, painfully aware that no matter what choice you make in this moment, it's something that you can never take back. [[Strike Biscuit as hard as you can]] [[Try to fake a hard strike without really hurting Biscuit]] (if: $morality < 1)[(unless: $LostSpiritMessage is true)[(You have lost the spirit to punch Mr. Jett directly in his face.) (set: $LostSpiritMessage=true)]] (else:)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face", "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face - Nunchucks")]

Your name is Ned Nelson. And you really need a job. You really, really, REALLY need a job. If this doesn't work out, there's nowhere to go for you. So, really, you have no choice... ... ...right? As Biscuit's tongue wags at the very thought of having his belly rubbed, you crouch down, pull your fist back, and- [[NEXT->Puppy Kicker End 1]]

You REALLY need this job, but you're not going to become a monster! You'll...you'll sort out the details later. For now, you need to fool Mr. Jett into thinking you're on board with this stuff, but you don't have much time. Suddenly, a plan strikes you out of nowhere! You remember seeing in a documentary once how in movie fight scenes, the actors aren't actually punching each other; it's only because the camera is in the right place that it looks like they're making contact. The same principle should apply here! You sort of shuffle in between Mr. Jett and Biscuit, so that you're at the perfect angle for Hollywood fakery. You crouch down, give him a real good windup just for show, and let fly! [[NEXT->Fake Punch End]]

YOU'RE (live: 0.8s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[DONE](stop:)] (live: 1.6s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[WITH](stop:)] (live: 2.4s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[THIS](stop:)] (live: 3.2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[SHIT](stop:)] (live: 4.8s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Gripping the brass knuckles tightly in your right hand, you turn and drive them straight into the side of Mr. Jett's face. You hear a sound that you think is a gunshot at first, until you realize it's just Mr. Jett's jawbone splintering like wood under an axe. This immediately gives you great pleasure. As he falls toward the cage's metal floor, Mr. Jett locks eyes with you. His expression seems to say, "But Bed-Head-Ned! I thought we were bro-fluffies!" or some stupid shit like that. You try to affix your face into something that communicates, "Nay...never before were we bros, nor shall we be henceforth." You're not sure he gets all that as he plummets toward his cold, hard landing, but it makes you feel good anyway. He somehow manages to land right on his face, breaking his nose. You're impressed with yourself. Two face bones for the price of one! Instantly, alarms go off all throughout the Kicking Floor. You hear shouting from behind the door. You realize that you should probably not be in this little cage with only one exit. [[NEXT ->PART 3]](stop:)]]

Your name is Ned Nelson. And you really need a job. You really, really, REALLY need a job. If this doesn't work out, there's nowhere to go for you. So, really, you have no choice... ... ...right? As Biscuit's tongue wags at the very thought of having his belly rubbed, you plant your feet, swing your leg back, and- [[NEXT->Puppy Kicker End 1]]

You REALLY need this job, but you're not going to become a monster! You'll...you'll sort out the details later. For now, you need to fool Mr. Jett into thinking you're on board with this stuff, but you don't have much time. Suddenly, a plan strikes you out of nowhere! You remember seeing in a documentary once how in movie fight scenes, the actors aren't actually punching each other; it's only because the camera is in the right place that it looks like they're making contact. The same principle should apply here! You sort of shuffle in between Mr. Jett and Biscuit, so that you're at the perfect angle for Hollywood fakery. You give him a real good windup, just for show, and let fly! [[NEXT->Fake Kick End]]

Your name is Ned Nelson. And you really need a job. You really, really, REALLY need a job. If this doesn't work out, there's nowhere to go for you. So, really, you have no choice... ... ...right? As Biscuit's tongue wags at the very thought of having his belly rubbed, you crouch down, swing your arm back, and- [[NEXT->Puppy Kicker End 1]]

There is almost certainly an army of security guards bearing down on your position, and it would be real dumb to be around when they got here. You sprint out the door. As you hightail it down the hallway, the wind flowing through Biscuit's fur, you hear yelling and heavy footsteps behind you. So many doors whoosh past...which one is it? THERE! Emergency stairs! You start taking the stairs down two at a time. From here, everything is a blur: your feet hitting landing after landing, the metal pounding of the guards approaching from behind, hands roughly grabbing at your shirt... You don't know how you manage it, but you find yourself sprinting through the lobby, the receptionist giving you a salute as you pass. Outside, you're able to lose the guards. You slump down in a back alley, exhausted. You notice that Biscuit has a bit of bloody fabric in his mouth. Did he...bite one of the guards? You rub his head. Good boy. [[NEXT->OKAY END]]

You've always struggled to do things in your life that you felt were meaningful. Your older brother Ted was that one guy that things always seemed to work out for. You've often wondered if he somehow took all of the karma when he was born, so there was none left for you. Is that how karma works? It doesn't matter, because now you realize that all of that mediocrity was just leading up to this one moment. This one, golden opportunity to do something good and meaningful. You're going to save a FUCK-TON of puppies. What the hell could Ted say to that?? [[NEXT->No puppy left behind 2]]

The answer is: BADLY. The way you see it, there are two reasons you can't leave: 1) You legitimately don't know what's going to happen if you don't land this job. You're more desperate than you've ever been. Maybe they won't make you kick puppies. Maybe you'll be, like...an accountant? You could learn to do accountant-things, right? While trying to ignore the pit in your stomach that comes from being an accomplice to all this? 2) You suspect, for obvious reasons, that this is some sort of criminal enterprise. Now that you've seen what's going on here...is Mr. Jett even going to let you leave? As much as you want to run, you feel you have no choice. You reluctantly follow Mr. Jett to the ladder. [[NEXT->Ladder 1]] |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face", "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face - Kicking Floor")]

This is too much for you. It doesn't matter how badly you need a job, you can't be a party to this. Mr. Jett walks a few steps before he realizes you aren't behind him. He turns. "Hey. Neddie Man. What are you doing back there?" "I'm sorry, Mr. Jett," you say. "I think I misunderstood what job I was interviewing for." Now there's an understatement. "Soooooo...what?" Mr. Jett asks. "Uh, I think I'd like to head back, if that's alright with you." Mr. Jett studies you. "Neddy-Boy. I don't think you should do that." "No, Mr. Jett. I've made up my mind. This job isn't right for me, and I have to go." Mr. Jett looks at you for a moment, then sighs. He approaches you and rests a hand on your shoulder. "Your call, Neddy. I'll take you back, but the fastest way out is through the Other Kicking Floor." "Wait," you say. "What's the Other-" [[THE OTHER KICKING FLOOR]]

TWO WEEKS LATER The door to your cage clicks from the outside. You know already who it's going to be. Sure enough, in walks Jerry. A big beefy man. Taller than a giraffe, wider than a gorilla. Voice seems too high-pitched for his body. Likes K-Pop. "Morning, Ned," he says. "Morning," you attempt to reply through a swollen cheek. "How was breakfast?" Jerry asks, hanging his coat on the wall. "Not bad," you reply. "They let us have wet food today. How was the game?" "Crappy. Friggin' Steelers couldn't throw for...hey, look at that!" Jerry bends down and picks something up. "You lost your first tooth!" "Oh yeah, that was yesterday." Your tongue automatically explores the newly vacant spot in your mouth. "Did you get a dollar from the Tooth Fairy?" Jerry laughs harder than necessary at his own joke. He starts lacing up his steel-toed boots. "Nope. No dollar. So, what's on the docket for today?" you ask. "We're gonna start with two hours of backside, then thirty minutes of sternum, and then see where things go from there. Wasn't paying total attention to the meeting this morning, to be honest. Might wing it." "Okay, sounds good. Least I can keep my teeth." "Don't be so sure. The day is young!" Jerry laughs again for some reason. "You ready, man?" "Yeah...I guess." As Jerry begins kicking and you begin howling in pain, you reflect on how quickly this has become routine. But, I mean, hey. At least you don't live in a box on the street. THE END. --- Congratulations! Ned has reached Ending 5 of 15. Try again? |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 1", "Lobby 1")] (if: $ReachedHallway is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 2", "Hallway 1")] (if: $ReachedTruePunch is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 3", "Time To Go")]

"Helen," you say, "I think we can-" Mid-sentence, you make a grab for the gun. You don't actually feel the bullet pierce your heart; you only hear the report reverberating around the room. Your strength gone, you fall to the floor. [[NEXT->Take the gun 2]]

"Helen," you say. "Let's take a breather here. Let's talk this out." Helen holds the gun quite steady. "Don't like talking, but I do wanna know what you're doing with Biscuit there." You don't have time for this. The footsteps are getting closer!! [[Tell Helen you're releasing all the puppies]] [[Lie to Helen]]

"Helen...I'm here to save the puppies." You wait for her response, your heart pounding. Helen just looks at you. You can hear the guards, they're almost here...! And then... A single tear rolls down Helen's cheek. She spins around and slams a button on the control panel. The door behind you hisses shut just as several guards reach it. "I've been waitin' seven goddamn years to hear someone say that," Helen says. "Leave it to me." [[NEXT->Tell Helen you're releasing all the puppies 2]]

"Everything's cool, Helen," you say. "Mr. Jett just wanted me to take Biscuit here down to...the vet. It's, you know, another test." "Then why," Helen asks, "are the alarms going off?" "That's, uh, another test. Of the alarms." "Then why," Helen asks, "Is Jett lying in a cage with blood comin' outta his face?" She points to her security monitors. Oh. Right. "Well, you see-" you begin. The door whooshes open, and you're instantly tackled to the floor. The guards pin you down with overwhelming force, and tase you on full blast for good measure. You black out. [[NEXT->Captured End]]

"I have a great reason, Mr. Jett," you say. "Because it's over. You've already lost." "I CAN'T lose!! The only thing I LOSE at is LOSING!!!" You're not sure if this is going to work, but you figure it's the best chance you've got. "Mr. Jett, let me explain the ins, but also the outs, of what's going on here at Toe to Tail." You chuckle. "Or as I like to call it, 'The Trip T's.'" Mr. Jett's eyes narrow. "The FUCK did you just say?" "Here's the deal," you continue. "Everybody at this company...EVERY SINGLE PERSON...hates you." Mr. Jett laughs hysterically. "NEDDY, my MAN!! You are dumber than a box of SEAHORSES!! Every bro here fucking LOVES me! I'm a funny guy!! RIGHT?? I'M THE FUCKING FUNNY GUY!!" He whirls around to confirm with his guards. They shuffle awkwardly. You smell blood in the water. "Show of hands," you say. "Who here FUCKING LOATHES Mr. Jett?" This had better work. [[NEXT->No Bros 2]]

Wait, seriously? Please actually think about this. There's like 20 feet between you and Mr. Jett. There are at least ten armed guards on this catwalk, pointing guns DIRECTLY AT YOU. The chances of them missing are infinitesimally small. Please don't do that. Do you still want to do that? |hidevisited>[[[Don't do that - go back a page->Catwalk Confrontation]]] |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face", "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face - Suicide")]

TWO YEARS LATER You now live in a box on the street. The box is the size, shape, and composition of a pretty sweet apartment, which is to say...you live in a pretty sweet apartment. And the street is pretty nice, too! Some neat shops and restaurants. A dog park too, which is awesome. That's where you take Biscuit for his exercise. First things first: you gotta head to... [[FEDERAL PRISON]]

You make the completely indefensible choice of rushing right toward a bunch of armed guards who are literally paid to kill people like you. AFTER the narrator of this story took the incredible step of breaking immersion to spell out to you EXACTLY WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN. You get shot with about a hundred bullets and die in a bloody heap on the catwalk. How the fuck did you think that was going to go? THE END. --- Congratulations! Ned has reached Ending 14 of 15. Try again? |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 1", "Lobby 1")] (if: $ReachedHallway is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 2", "Hallway 1")] (if: $ReachedTruePunch is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 3", "Time To Go")]

The trick here is to ask the question while expertly hiding your true ignorance. "Uh," you begin. "Mind if I ask what, exactly, your...operating procedures are here?" The receptionist blinks at you. "Operating procedures?" "Yeah," you stammer. "In terms of what you all, like...do. Here. At this company." It is instantly clear to you that you've made yourself look like the biggest fool possible. You've botched this interview before you've even started! How on earth are you going to- The receptionist lays a hand on your shoulder and makes eye contact. [[NEXT ->Ask receptionist 2]]

You decide to just say, "Thanks," and get to your feet. "Mr. Nelson," the receptionist says, "A word of advice before your interview." [[NEXT ->Don't ask 2]]

You were finally contacted by a company called Toe to Tail, but you're afraid it's too late. Your savings are gone, and you feel like this is absolutely your last chance. This interview is the only thing standing between you and living in a box on the street. No pressure. You sit amongst the modern, minimalist decor of Toe to Tail's lobby, sweating your brains out for lots of reasons, not the least of which is that you made one tiny, inconsequential, possibly fatal mistake: You completely forgot to look this company up, and have absolutely no idea what they do. Whoops. [[NEXT -> Lobby 3]]

(live: 0.8s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[**Ned Nelson** **Really Needs** **A Job**](stop:)] (live: 2.2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[**An Employment Adventure**](stop:)] (live: 3.6s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[**by Eric Crepeau**](stop:)] (live: 5.4s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[(link-goto: "Start", "PART 1")](stop:)](set: $ReachedHallway to false)(set: $ReachedTruePunch to false)

You continue to wait. The only sound in the room is Mr. Jett's breathing. You start to realize his nose makes a whistling sound every time he inhales. You continue to wait. You then realize that the nose whistle actually changes pitch slightly on alternating breaths. How long is this going to take?! [[Continue waiting->Sit and wait quietly 3]]

"Anyway, bro-saurus," Mr. Jett continues, "let me give you the shimmy on what we do here. Toe to Tail is an innovative initiative to combine a forward-thinking quality of life service with a cutting-edge technology platform, all the while keeping the fat cats drinking the milk. You know what I'm talking about? Just LAPPING up that milk. LAPPING that shit up, buddy-man!" He mimes something with his hands that you guess is supposed to represent lapping up milk. You had no idea what "The Trip T's" did before you got here, and now you realize you know even less. "Yeah...man, I'm...picking up what you're putting down," you say. "FUCK yeah, bro. FUCK yeah." [[NEXT->Why work here?]] |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face")]

It must be cool, because Mr. Jett seems to instantly forget that the last twenty seconds ever happened. "Anyway, bro-saurus," Mr. Jett continues, "let me give you the shimmy on what we do here. Toe to Tail is an innovative initiative to combine a forward-thinking quality of life service with a cutting-edge technology platform, all the while keeping the fat cats drinking the milk. You know what I'm talking about? Just LAPPING up that milk. LAPPING that shit up, buddy-man!" He mimes something with his hands that you guess is supposed to represent lapping up milk. You had no idea what "The Trip T's" did before you got here, and now you realize you know even less. "Yeah...man, I'm...picking up what you're putting down," you say. "FUCK yeah, bro. FUCK yeah." [[NEXT->Why work here?]] |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face")]

You continue to- Without warning, Mr. Jett jumps to the floor, whirls around, and offers you his hand. He's grinning ear to ear. "Neddy-boy! My man! Great to see you, bro!" You stand up and go to shake his hand, but halfway there he changes to a fist bump. You wind up awkwardly grabbing his fist. He then pulls you close to him and claps you on the back about three too many times. "I got a good feeling about you. Take a seat, bro, take a seat!" You sit down. Mr. Jett plops into his leather-padded desk chair. "Alright, Nedsters, first things first. I gotta explain the ins BUT ALSO THE OUTS of what we do over here at Toe to Tail, or as I like to call it, 'The Trip T's.'" He laughs a little too loud at that. Was...was that a joke? [[Laugh at the "joke"]] [[Don't laugh]] Also, from this point forward, at any time, you may choose to: |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face")]

Mr. Jett looks at you funny. "Huh. I guess that's...one way to answer that question. If you wanna be, like, boring and shit." He accidentally drips ice cream on his very expensive-looking vest. He doesn't seem to notice. "Okay, so moving right along-o...what do you feel like is your BEST SHIT? Like when you're being a working-person and stuff what is the BEST SHIT ABOUT YOU, man?" You guess he's asking what your strengths as an employee are? Probably? [[Your ability to follow directions]] [[Your work ethic]] |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face")]

"DUDE!" Mr. Jett yells. Loudly. "Up top!" He goes for a high-five. You do too, this seems to be going well! At the last moment, Mr. Jett moves his hand away. "Psych! Down low!" You attempt to re-maneuver midair in order to meet him "down low" instead. You're only half successful: your high five disintegrates into an awkward pat. As Mr. Jett leans back in his chair, he drips ice cream on his very expensive-looking vest. He doesn't seem to notice. "I bet you just get, like, ALL the chicks, Ned-man. Eh? EHHHHH?" You laugh weakly. How the hell are you supposed to respond to that? "Okay, so moving right along-o...what do you feel like is your BEST SHIT? Like when you're being a working-person and stuff what is the BEST SHIT ABOUT YOU, man?" You guess he's asking what your strengths as an employee are? Probably? [[Your ability to follow directions]] [[Your work ethic]] |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face")]

Mr. Jett begins to climb toward a control booth jutting out from the wall of the silo. You climb up after him. "You're like my own little puppy, bro," he yells down from above you. "Just following me around, wagging your tail or whatever. It's pretty fucking hilarious." You try to dodge the drips of ice cream plummeting your way. Mr. Jett is actually doing an impressive job of climbing one-handed. "You see what I did there? 'Cause, like, there's puppies here and shit?" "Yup," you sigh. "I see what you did there." [[NEXT->Ladder 2]] |hidevisited>[[[Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face->Ladder Punch 1]]]

"Probably sooner than later," you say. "I mean, you want to try to conserve the resources you spend cleaning it up for next time. A tighter rotation of puppies would probably save you overhead in the long run, I would think. But I'll leave that to your judgment." Mr. Jett leans uncomfortably close to you, eyes narrowed. "Ned-Ned-Neddy. You seem very interested in our...FIDUCIARY SITUATION." He turns around. "Helen, put him on break." Helen presses a few buttons, and a light flashes in the puppy's cell. The employee leaves the room. Mr. Jett turns back to you. "Shit doesn't cost that much, but we'll do it your way." He gives you one more firm pat, and heads toward a door at the back of the control booth. "ANYWAYS," he says, "It's time for you to get UP CLOSE and PERSONAL and UP CLOSE with the real business that goes down here at the Trip T's!" Helen rolls her eyes at the phrase. "You ready for some cage action, bro?" It sounds like he wants to take you to one of the puppy-kicking cages. [[NEXT->KF Hallway]] (if: $morality < 1)[(You have lost the spirit to punch Mr. Jett directly in his face.)] (else:)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face", "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face - Kicking Floor")]

"I dunno, kick it as long as you want, I guess. Doesn't matter to me." You hope your feigned indifference is convincing. Mr. Jett gives your shoulders a squeeze. "See, Helen? See? I told you Neddy Player One here has the stone-cold heart of a puppy kicker!" "That's nice," Helen growls. "Tell him to keep that puppy going for another hour. He can take his break or whatever after that." You look back at the Pomeranian. As the employee bounces it around its cell, Helen sets a timer for 60 minutes at the top of its screen. Mr. Jett heads for a door at the back of the control booth. "Come this-a-way, Neddy. It's time for you to get UP CLOSE and PERSONAL and UP CLOSE with the real business that goes down here at the Trip T's!" Helen rolls her eyes at the phrase. "You ready for some cage action, bro?" It sounds like he wants to take you to one of the puppy-kicking cages. [[NEXT->KF Hallway]](set: $morality -=1) (if: $morality < 1)[(You have lost the spirit to punch Mr. Jett directly in his face.)] (else:)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face", "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face - Kicking Floor")]

As you climb, you realize you have a burning question. "Mr. Jett," you call up the ladder, "how does this business, like...work?" "Are you asking how this place prints the Benjamins?" You wait for him to continue, but you realize he actually wants you to answer. "Uh, yeah." "Yeah what?" You sigh. "I'm asking...how this place prints the Benjamins." "HOLY FUCK does this place print some MOTHERFUCKING BENJAMINS. Here's the shimmy. We make TWO KINDS OF DOLLARS. First, we advertise to asshole rich people that we'll take care of their precious doggies while they're on a crazy vacay somewhere, and we charge them a SHIT-TON of money!" "And...what's the second kind of dollars?" you ask. Fuck, now you're talking like him. Is it contagious?! [[NEXT->Ladder 3]] |hidevisited>[[[Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face->Ladder Punch 2]]]

The room has an incredible, awful view of the Kicking Floor. You can see exactly what's going on in every cage, which makes you immediately regret looking out the window. Even worse, an employee stands at a control panel outfitted with an enormous screen, displaying a live feed of every cage. Every screen is a little picture of horror. How can this be real? Mr. Jett walks up to the employee at the controls, a grumpy-looking lady seemingly in her 60s. "Heyyyyyy, it's Smellin' Helen!" She sighs a deep sigh. "Yeah, whatever." A cigarette droops from her mouth as she types commands into the computer. Mr. Jett ruffles Helen's hair. "How's the K-to-the-F looking?" Helen sighs again. "As horrifying as usual..." "That's what I like to hear in my ear-holes! Helen, my bro-ette, bring up A-3." [[NEXT->CONTROL ROOM 2]] |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face", "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face - Kicking Floor")]

TWO WEEKS LATER After performing a death-defying rescue at Toe to Tail, you feel like you can do anything! Even, possibly, get a job? This feeling turns out to be accurate, because you really, actually, FINALLY get a job! You are now gainfully employed at, of all things...a pet groomer. The irony was not lost on you as you showed up for the interview (this time, with full knowledge of what the company did). You find you actually enjoy the work quite a bit! And, importantly, it pays enough that the two of you can get by for the time being. "The two of you" naturally refers to you and Biscuit. After your search for his owner turned up empty, of course you were going to keep the little guy. You're currently teaching him to shake hands, which he is VERY excited about. As the little fluffball curls up next to you at night, you find yourself incredibly grateful for his loving companionship. Sometimes though, you're hit with a pang of sadness when you look at him. You can't help but think about the hundreds like him that are still trapped in that awful place. You'll always wonder if there was something more you could have done for them. That said, you appreciate your momentary stability. You don't know what the future holds, and all you can do is keep taking things one step at a time. So, for the time being, you focus your energies on your new job, thankful that at least you don't live in a box on the street. You just hope that these puppy-related nightmares you're having don't last much longer. THE END. --- Congratulations! Ned has reached Ending 2 of 15. Try again? |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 1", "Lobby 1")] (if: $ReachedHallway is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 2", "Hallway 1")] (if: $ReachedTruePunch is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 3", "Time To Go")]

You never thought visiting jail would be one of the highlights of your month, but here you are. You sit across the glass from Mr. Cosmo Jett, now wearing a very fashionable shade of orange. Biscuit barks his head off on sight, but you manage to calm him down. "So! How are things, Mr. Joan Jett? Jumbo Jett? Jett Lag? No, that one wasn't good, uh...Oh!" You screech out a terrible Elton John. "B-B-B-Benny and the Jetts!" Mr. Jett waits for you to finish, fidgeting anxiously. "Ned! Ned, my bro, you gotta help me." "What is it this week? Face scar looks much better, by the way." "Ned, there's, like...scary people in jail. Did you know that...sometimes people beat each other up in here?" "Man. That sounds rough, Jettster. Tell you what, I'm still getting through the paperwork, but I'll take another look and see if I can't get you out." "Thank you, Neddy my man! Please, hurry!" You don't know how you convinced Mr. Jett you could let him out of jail, but it's too much fun not to take advantage of. You don't have time to stay here much longer though, because you don't want to be late for... [[TAIL TO TOE]] |hidevisited>[[[Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face->Jail Punch]]]

You park at Tail to Toe, a new dog-grooming business that grew from the ashes of a mysterious, similarly-named company. You wave to the receptionist as you take Biscuit through the lobby, down the hallway, and into... [[THE BRUSHING FLOOR]]

Biscuit yaps in delight as you enter his favorite place in the world (aside from your lap). Hundreds of puppies, all with their own attendant, are being combed, bathed, and fluffed with the latest and greatest grooming products known to dog. Employees greet and salute you as you pass. Everybody knows the story about how you saved the puppies, reunited them all with their owners, and blackmailed Cosmo Jett into handing over the company to you. And then, obviously, you had him thrown in jail anyway. Which felt pretty good. You hand Biscuit off to your best groomer, and head to the control room. You greet Helen (she got off with a slap on the wrist) and turn to look out over your flourishing business. As you take in the Brushing Floor and the multitudes of happy puppies, a thought comes into your head that you're pretty sure you've never had, at any point in your life. You did good, Ned. You did good. THE END. --- Congratulations! Ned has reached the TRUE ENDING (also known as Ending 1 of 15). You have now completed //Ned Nelson Really Needs a Job//, but feel free to go back and check for any other endings you may have missed along the way. |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 1", "Lobby 1")] (if: $ReachedHallway is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 2", "Hallway 1")] (if: $ReachedTruePunch is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 3", "Time To Go")]

You can't do this. Still wearing the heavy steel-toed boots, you plant your feet with a violent CLANG, turn around, and punch Mr. Jett right in his stupid face. It occurs to you that there might have been another way to handle that. You were hoping to knock him out cold; maybe then you would have some chance of escape. But alas, your bare fist simply lacks the strength. Mr. Jett just staggers backward. "What the hell, man?" Suddenly, he's on top of you; he has you by the throat, backed up against the wall. "WHAT. The HELL??" Alarms blare all throughout the Kicking Floor. Mr. Jett starts choking you as guards stream into the cage. "Alright, my bro. That's the last mistake you're ever gonna SEE." The guards take you into the depths of Toe to Tail, and you are never seen or heard from again. THE END. --- Congratulations! Ned has reached Ending 12 of 15. Click here for a mild hint (click-replace: "Click here for a mild hint")[-In order to reach the best ending, Ned must escape this place.] Click here for a medium hint (click-replace: "Click here for a medium hint")[-Ned must keep his conscience clean, or else he will lose his fighting spirit.] Click here for a strong hint (click-replace: "Click here for a strong hint")[-With Ned's fighting spirit intact, can he find a tool that will allow him to incapacitate Mr. Jett?] Try again? |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 1", "Lobby 1")] (if: $ReachedHallway is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 2", "Hallway 1")] (if: $ReachedTruePunch is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 3", "Time To Go")]

You can't do this. You drop the nunchucks on the floor, turn around, and punch Mr. Jett right in his stupid face. It occurs to you that there might have been another way to handle that. You were hoping to knock him out cold; maybe then you would have some chance of escape. But alas, your bare fist simply lacks the strength. Mr. Jett just staggers backward. "What the hell, man?" Suddenly, he's on top of you; he has you by the throat, backed up against the wall. "WHAT. The HELL??" Alarms blare all throughout the Kicking Floor. Mr. Jett starts choking you as guards stream into the cage. "Alright, my bro. That's the last mistake you're ever gonna SEE." The guards take you into the depths of Toe to Tail, and you are never seen or heard from again. THE END. --- Congratulations! Ned has reached Ending 12 of 15. Click here for a mild hint (click-replace: "Click here for a mild hint")[-In order to reach the best ending, Ned must escape this place.] Click here for a medium hint (click-replace: "Click here for a medium hint")[-Ned must keep his conscience clean, or else he will lose his fighting spirit.] Click here for a strong hint (click-replace: "Click here for a strong hint")[-With Ned's fighting spirit intact, can he find a tool that will allow him to incapacitate Mr. Jett?] Try again? |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 1", "Lobby 1")] (if: $ReachedHallway is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 2", "Hallway 1")] (if: $ReachedTruePunch is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 3", "Time To Go")]

Let's be real: Mr. Jett is the worst. You punch him again for good measure. Biscuit gives a satisfied bark from your arms. But now, back to business. Where to? [(link-goto:"EMERGENCY EXIT - Get the hell out of here")] [(link-goto:"CONTROL ROOM - No puppy left behind")] |hidevisited>[[[Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face->Extra Punch 2]]]

This is a tough decision, and honestly, punching Mr. Jett just helps you think. You give him another good smack in the face. He grunts pitifully. Okay, that's taken care of. The shouting of the guards is getting closer; it's probably time to go. Where to? [(link-goto:"EMERGENCY EXIT - Get the hell out of here")] [(link-goto:"CONTROL ROOM - No puppy left behind")] |hidevisited>[[[Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face->Extra Punch 3]]]

Look, we've all been there. One too many slices of cake. A few too many hours watching TV. If something makes you happy, it's hard to stop doing it, even if it's bad for you. You sock Mr. Jett right in the mouth. DAMN, that's good. One of his teeth even pops out. Okay but for real, you're hearing footsteps outside. The guards are very, very close. You really need to go RIGHT NOW. Where to? [(link-goto:"EMERGENCY EXIT - Get the hell out of here")] [(link-goto:"CONTROL ROOM - No puppy left behind")] |hidevisited>[[[Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face->Extra Punch 4]]]

Like seriously, it's time to leave. But you just can't help yourself. You give Mr. Jett one last taste of the ol' knuckle sandwich. You're not even sure if he can feel it anymore, because he seems to be unconscious. It actually doesn't even give you as much pleasure as the first four punches did. But you just can't shake the memory of that first golden, glorious fist to the face. You can hear footsteps literally right outside the door. If you punch him again, you and Biscuit will DEFINITELY get caught. For sure. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Are you going to keep chasing this dragon? [(link-goto:"EMERGENCY EXIT - Get the hell out of here")] [(link-goto:"CONTROL ROOM - No puppy left behind")] |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face", "Extra Punch 5")]

It's clear you have a problem. You punch Mr. Jett in the face one last time. It's not even a particularly good punch; his cheek is kind of soggy at this point, so it produces a moist squish instead of a satisfying crack. Immediately a bunch of guards come in and take you away, never to be heard from again. Was that worth it? THE END. --- Congratulations! Ned has reached Ending 13 of 15. Try again? |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 1", "Lobby 1")] (if: $ReachedHallway is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 2", "Hallway 1")] (if: $ReachedTruePunch is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 3", "Time To Go")]

You know this is a bad idea. There's obviously some criminal stuff going on here, and at this point you frankly don't know what Mr. Jett is capable of. But dammit, he deserves to get punched. So you take one good step forward and just let it fly. Your fist connects with a satisfying CRUNCH, and Mr. Jett actually does a full spin before he hits the deck. Nice! He sits up, looking around in bewilderment, until what has just happened finally clicks in his stupid little brain. He starts... CRYING. Like a friggin' two-year-old, Mr. Jett actually starts wailing right there on the floor. Instantly, alarms go off all throughout the Kicking Floor, and before long, several guards are on the scene. "Mr. Jett," one of them says, "What happened here?" Mr. Jett, still crying like a baby, just points at you. "Wait," you say. "I can-" The guards haul you away into the depths of Toe to Tail, never to be heard from again. THE END. --- Congratulations! Ned has reached Ending 11 of 15. Try again? |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 1", "Lobby 1")] (if: $ReachedHallway is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 2", "Hallway 1")] (if: $ReachedTruePunch is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 3", "Time To Go")]

You're climbing a ladder. How exactly do you propose to do that? Stop talking nonsense. |hidevisited>[[[Back to reality->Ladder 1]]]

Mr. Jett grabs an ice cream cone from inside a drawer and starts making himself a soft serve. You knew it! It IS a fucking ice cream machine! Mr. Jett starts licking the ice cream as he talks. "So that brings us to the first question. THE BIG Q. What makes you want to come here and work for us? More importantly, what makes you want to come here and work for ME?" You want to answer, "Because I desperately need a job," but you know that won't cut it. [[You feel like it's time for a new challenge in your life]] [[You really want to work for Mr. Jett]] |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face")]

He finishes his ice cream, and eats every part of the cone except the very bottom. He then throws that in the trash. For some reason this bothers you more than you can describe. "Okay, bro-ham. Bro-turkey. Bro-eggs-and-bacon. For the FINAL QUESTION...I want YOU to ask ME a question. Plot twist! We're shaking shit up, buddy-man! You didn't see that shit coming!" What question do you want to ask about Toe to Tail? [[What is Mr. Jett's vision for the company?]] [[What's it like to work at Toe to Tail?]] |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face")]

Stunned, you push yourself out of your chair and start to stumble to the door. You had suspected you might not be doing that well, but THIS reaction... You still need this job. There must be some way! You turn. "Mr. Jett, I-" Suddenly, Mr. Jett is right in front of you. He grabs a fistful of your shirt and pins you against the wall, almost lifting you off the floor. He leans in. "I don't want you to come back here, motherfucker. Ever again. Or shit might have to get...REALLY REAL." He spits directly in your eye. Then he lets you go, and opens the door. You leave Toe to Tail, never to return. TWO WEEKS LATER You now live in a box on the street. The end. --- Congratulations! Ned has reached Ending 9 of 15. Click here for a mild hint (click-replace: "Click here for a mild hint")[-If Mr. Jett hears too many answers he doesn't like, the interview will be over. What does a man like Mr. Jett want to hear?] Click here for a medium hint (click-replace: "Click here for a medium hint")[-Mr. Jett seems quite full of himself. How can you take advantage of this?] Click here for a strong hint (click-replace: "Click here for a strong hint")[-Some bosses value assertiveness and independent thinking in their employees. Mr. Jett is not one of those bosses.] Try again? |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 1", "Lobby 1")] (if: $ReachedHallway is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 2", "Hallway 1")] (if: $ReachedTruePunch is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 3", "Time To Go")]

It seems like this interview has been going well. REALLY well. You might be about to get that thing you so desperately crave: a real job! But you can't FUCKING stand this guy. So before he can react, before he can call you another infuriating nickname, you step forward, ball up your fist, and drive it straight into this asshole's nose. Your experience of this moment surprises you. Because it isn't the feeling of his septum snapping like a toothpick that gives you the most joy. It's the moment just before, when you happen to catch his eyes and you can see, in perfect clarity, that he knows the punch is coming but there's not a god-damn thing he can do about it. That maybe for the first time in this man's life, he knows beyond the shadow of a doubt that things are not about to go his way. That in this one, infinitesimally small moment, his entire worldview has shattered as he is forced to confront the idea that perhaps he is not the bright center of the known Universe. And then his septum snaps like a toothpick under your knuckles and that's pretty great too. The experience is the best of your life. Better than that time you actually got an A in class. Better than any sexual experience you've ever had. Better than the birth of your future children will be, probably. As Mr. Jett slams into the wall and slumps in a pitiful heap on the ground, you experience total, complete satisfaction. TWO WEEKS LATER You now live in a box on the street. The end. --- Congratulations! Ned has reached Ending 15 of 15. Try again? |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 1", "Lobby 1")] (if: $ReachedHallway is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 2", "Hallway 1")] (if: $ReachedTruePunch is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 3", "Time To Go")]

"The second kind of dollars is we film all of the puppy-kicking, stream it to evil assholes, and charge them a SHIT-TON of money every month! I guess what I'm trying to say is...all of our clients are assholes!" He seems to find this funny, as he laughs so hard he almost falls off the ladder. "And the owners don't think anything's up when they get their dogs back with bruises all over them?" "Eh, a little Neosporin, some makeup, fake fur patches, and no one knows shit. Sometimes I think everybody's a fucking idiot except me!" He laughs again. "Eh? Ehhhh? Am I right or am I right?" "Haha, yeah..." you say. Mr. Jett reaches a hatch at the bottom of the control room. After flicking the rest of his ice cream off into space, he opens the hatch, and you both climb inside. [[NEXT->CONTROL ROOM]] |hidevisited>[[[Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face->Ladder Punch 3]]]

Helen hits a few buttons, and one panel zooms to fill the entire screen. Inside is a baby Pomeranian, yelping as an employee kicks it around its cage like a soccer ball. Mr. Jett seems to be completely mesmerized by this. He puts a hand on your shoulder. "Welcome to the REAL SHIT, man. That's what this is. The REAL SHIT." In between kickings, the puppy looks up at the camera. Can it see you? Is it...asking you for help? "Question for you, bro," Mr. Jett says. "When do you think we should give our little fluffy friend in there a break?" You feel like this is a test; he knows which answer he wants. But at the same time, if you play it smart, maybe you could do a tiny bit of good here. Is it worth the risk? [[Make an excuse for the puppy]] [[Tell them to kick it as long as they want]] |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face", "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face - Kicking Floor")]

Mr. Jett opens the door and you both step into the cage. You can see the entire rest of the Kicking Floor stretching in every direction through the bars. Inside is a little golden retriever puppy, seemingly unharmed. It pops to its feet when you come in and starts licking your shins ecstatically. "We actually just picked this little bro up off the street. Name's Biscuit. He's a perfect test case for some R&D we've been doing." He gestures to one wall of the cage. "This is some of the new customer experiences and shit we've been working on." Hanging on the wall are a pair of steel-toed boots, some brass knuckles, and a set of nunchucks. [[NEXT->The Cage 2]] (if: $morality < 1)[(You have lost the spirit to punch Mr. Jett directly in his face.)] (else:)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face", "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face - Kicking Floor")]

You realize you have one burning question. "Mr. Jett, why isn't there another employee in this room?" "Because it's your lucky-ducky day, Neddy the Barbarian! Time for some hands-on motherfuckin' experience! So pick your poison!" He gestures to the weapons on the wall. Biscuit is now running around the cage, practically bouncing off the walls with happiness. You step to the wall. As you look at your choices, Biscuit gets on his hind legs and starts pawing at your pants. His little feet feel like a tiny massage. What are you going to do? {[[Choose the steel-toed boots]] [[Choose the brass knuckles]] [[Choose the nunchucks]]} (if: $morality < 1)[(You have lost the spirit to punch Mr. Jett directly in his face.)] (else:)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face", "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face - Kicking Floor")]

It's clear, however, that you've chosen a dangerous path. **From this point forward, failure will have immediate consequences**. You look down and throw Mr. Jett a quick salute. "Might want to put some ice on that," you say. Mr. Jett responds with an incoherent gurgle, but you're already sprinting out the door. As you hightail it down the hallway, the wind flowing through Biscuit's fur, you hear yelling and heavy footsteps behind you. So many doors whoosh past...which one is it? THERE! Control room!! You burst through the door to find- Helen. With a cigarette in her mouth and a gun in her hand. "Well," she says. "Isn't everybody excited today?" You look down at the gun. The control room is pretty small. Do you think she's close enough to...? [[Take the gun->Take the gun 1]] [[Talk it out]]

TWO WEEKS LATER On the bright side, you quickly learned that there is indeed an afterlife. On the less-bright side, it turns out that Hell is individually constructed for each and every person. Yours is a small cage where each puppy that you couldn't save comes in one by one, dons a pair of heavy boots, and kicks the shit out of you (puppies are much bigger in Hell). Rinse and repeat, for eternity. It's not all bad. When it's Biscuit's turn, you guys have good conversations sometimes. Yeah, the puppies can talk. It's weird, frankly. "One thing I never understood, my friend," Biscuit says, in an inexplicably Brooklyn-sounding accent. "Why the fuck did you go for the gun?" "I dunno," you say. "I guess I got carried away. Had just punched a dude with brass knuckles, I thought I was a full-on action hero by that point." "Fuckin' stupid, man. Fuckin' stupid." "Yeah. Probably was." A bell goes off somewhere outside your cage. Biscuit gives you one last kick in the shoulder for good measure. "Well, that's my shift. Until next time, my friend." "See you, Biscuit." Biscuit leaves the cage, and the next puppy, a chocolate lab, enters. "Alright," you say, "Let's get this started." THE END. --- Congratulations! Ned has reached Ending 3 of 15. Try again? |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 1", "Lobby 1")] (if: $ReachedHallway is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 2", "Hallway 1")] (if: $ReachedTruePunch is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 3", "Time To Go")]

Helen sits down, lights a new cigarette, and starts hitting keys on the control panel. Lines of text begin scrolling up the screen at lightning speed, while Helen plays the controls like a musical instrument. Then the entire screen turns red, and the words SYSTEM OVERRIDE begin flashing. You hear mechanical clunking sounds as cages open all over the Kicking Floor. "Thanks, Helen," you say. "You're the greatest." "Sure am." You open the hatch, Biscuit in tow, and slide down the ladder to the catwalk. You're just thinking about how easy this all was, when you see something in front of you, blocking your path. [[NEXT->Catwalk Confrontation]]

It's Mr. Jett. With several armed security guards behind him, guns at the ready. His face looks like a Picasso by way of Quentin Tarantino, with blood flowing from every orifice. "NEDDY!!" he bellows at you, blood and teeth spilling out of his mouth. "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME??? We were gonna do BEAUTIFUL SHIT TOGETHER!! You were gonna be my OWN PERSONAL PUPPY, MAN!! But then you go and TURN on me like a...a..." He looks to the nearest security guard for help. "Don't look at me," she says. Mr. Jett gives up. "Like a...FUCKING TURNING-PERSON!!" Tears suddenly stream down his face. "Neddy...I was gonna give you everything...didn't you want that? And now I gotta...I gotta..." He puffs himself up again. "Give me ONE FUCKING REASON why my bros here shouldn't SHOOT A BUNCH OF BULLET HOLES at you RIGHT NOW!!" Biscuit starts growling at Mr. Jett. What are you going to do? [[Lie - Tell Mr. Jett you'll be his friend again]] [[Tell Mr. Jett he has no bros]] |hidevisited>[[[Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face->Really punch Mr. Jett?]]]

You wait, your heart pounding. The guards look at each other, not sure if- "Aw, fuck it." A guard in the back raises her hand. Slowly, the rest follow. Each hand is a bullet to Mr. Jett's heart. "No...NO! We...we're all bros!!" "No, man," one of them says. "She's right. You scare me, dude. That's...literally the only reason I'm nice to you." The rest of the guards murmur agreement. Mr. Jett sinks to his knees. "But...how...? I'm, like...the nicest guy! I gave you all sweet nicknames..." "I would actually rather die than be called Sam the Clam." Tears come to Mr. Jett's eyes. "But...the office pranks." One of the guards rolls his eyes. "Dude, everybody hates-" "BULLSHIT. EVERYBODY LOVES THE OFFICE PRANKS." [[NEXT->No Bros 3]]

You decide it's time to step in. "Everyone. You have so much dirt on this dude. You could end him. Isn't it time to be done with all this?" Without any hesitation, all of the guards turn their guns on Mr. Jett. "Alright, 'bro.' Time for you to come with us. Party's over." Mr. Jett springs to his feet and jabs his finger at you. "You think you're a SMART PERSON, Neddy? These STUPID WORMS don't have the BONES to shoot me!! They're all BONELESS WORM THINGS!! They're all DIRT on someone's ASS without me!! Watch this shit!!" He turns to the guards, arms spread wide. "Shoot me! Do it! Shoot your BEST BRO who gave you EVERYTHING YOU EVEN HAVE!!" "Okay," says one of the guards, and shoots him in the leg. Mr. Jett lets out a screech and hits the floor immediately. The guards take his arms and start dragging him away. Mr. Jett looks at you, sobbing. "Ned...Neddy-Ted-Ted...Neddy the Red...tell them to stop! I'll give you anything you want! A job! Money! You can be MY boss and shit, just make them stop!!" "Mr. Jett," you say, "I think I must respectfully decline your job offer." [[TWO YEARS LATER]]

Alas, a pane of bulletproof glass forever separates your fist from doing sweet, sweet violence to this man's face. But such is the price of justice. Let nobody say you haven't made sacrifices in this life. You do get to know that he's going to be locked up for the rest of his days, so that's probably second best from being able to knock a few teeth out. You'd think a man like Mr. Jett would have enough connections to get himself released (and you'd be right), but you've spent a not-inconsiderable amount of resources to ensure he stays right where he is. Anyway, as mentioned before, it's time to go to: [[TAIL TO TOE]]

TWO WEEKS LATER On your way home, you pass a homeless man who seems to have nothing more than a cardboard box to his name. He asks if you could spare anything, even a dollar, but you decline. Maybe next time. You get to the lobby of your downtown apartment building. The attendant opens the elevator for you, and you press the PH button. The elevator takes you right into the living room of your penthouse apartment. You're kind of amazed at how fast you've become used to this, actually; who knew puppy-kicking paid this well? It's also exhausting. Your kicking leg is sore. You're looking forward to having a nice meal delivered and watching some TV before bed. You pass your enormous kitchen you never use and flop on your king-size, memory-foam bed, pulling out your new phone to flip through your food options. As you do so, it happens to ring just at that moment. It's Mr. Jett. [[NEXT->Puppy Kicker End 2]]

You're now very acquainted with this man's voice. "Hey, Ned-a-Ted-Ted! Have you been blessed today?" As usual, you have no idea how to answer your boss's questions. "Uh...probably. Not. Probably not?" "Well then let me, the Buddhist Priest of Blessings, bless you with...another shift today! Right now, actually! BOOM! Just blessed the FUCK out of you, my man!" You sigh. "But...but I just got home-" "Hey man. Don't look a gift blessing in the face. You don't want me to UN-bless you!" No. You don't want that at all. You drag yourself back to your feet, and into the hallway. You get into the elevator and press the L button, which is much less cooler than the PH button. [[NEXT->Puppy Kicker End 3]]

The elevator stops at the fifth floor, and a woman holding a tiny husky puppy gets on. As the elevator continues its descent, the little dog turns its head, and looks you dead in the eye. You look back. Its striking blue retinas pierce directly through you. You almost look away, but... ...NO. "What the fuck are you looking at?" you say. THE END. --- Ned has reached Ending 4 of 15. Click here for a mild hint (click-replace: "Click here for a mild hint")[-In order to reach the best ending, Ned must escape this place.] Click here for a medium hint (click-replace: "Click here for a medium hint")[-Ned must keep his conscience clean, or else he will lose his fighting spirit.] Click here for a strong hint (click-replace: "Click here for a strong hint")[-With Ned's fighting spirit intact, can he find a tool that will allow him to incapacitate Mr. Jett?] Try again? |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 1", "Lobby 1")] (if: $ReachedHallway is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 2", "Hallway 1")] (if: $ReachedTruePunch is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 3", "Time To Go")]

...You realize instantly that this is possibly the single worst idea you've ever come up with. And your list of terrible ideas is...well, it's long. You kick the air, your foot sailing over Biscuit and right out in front of you. You look like a complete, utter doofus. Biscuit doesn't move, obviously, still lying on his back. You turn to look at Mr. Jett. Maybe he was dumb enough to be fooled by- Mr. Jett just stands there, agape. "Neddy. Neddy-Teddy-Freddy. I know that most people are, like, TOTES dumber than me...but you might be the TOTES DUMBEST PERSON I have ever met." "Hey," you say, "Why don't you let me-" Mr. Jett grabs you by the collar and delivers a full punch directly to your gut, knocking the wind out of you. You slump to the floor. "Game over, man," Mr. Jett says, as security guards stream into the room. "You know what that means?" He kneels closer to you as you struggle to breathe. "That means this GAME...is FUCKING OVER." THE END. --- Congratulations! Ned has reached Ending 6 of 15. Click here for a mild hint (click-replace: "Click here for a mild hint")[-In order to reach the best ending, Ned must escape this place.] Click here for a medium hint (click-replace: "Click here for a medium hint")[-Ned must keep his conscience clean, or else he will lose his fighting spirit.] Click here for a strong hint (click-replace: "Click here for a strong hint")[-With Ned's fighting spirit intact, can he find a tool that will allow him to incapacitate Mr. Jett?] Try again? |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 1", "Lobby 1")] (if: $ReachedHallway is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 2", "Hallway 1")] (if: $ReachedTruePunch is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 3", "Time To Go")]

TWO WEEKS LATER You slowly wake to the muffled sound of voices. For some reason, you're immediately filled with dread. You try to open your eyes. A painfully bright, very blurry world streams in. As you come to, you hear a beeping sound. That's when it clicks; you're in a hospital. "...miracle the dog was unhurt..." The voices get clearer, and it becomes very apparent why you felt apprehension. "The Neddy-man looks pretty good to me. I deff-o think it's time for you to just release him into my custody so I can dump his sorry ass in the car and koo-koo-kachoo him outta here." You hear another voice. "Mr. Jett, I must strongly advise against that. It's frankly astounding that this man is even alive. While technically he CAN be moved, that doesn't mean he SHOULD be. How did you say you were related again?" "Oh, I'm SUPER fucking related to him. I'm his...uncle. And his boss. And, uh...milkman." "His milkman." "Yup. Dude likes milk." You try to speak up, but you're having trouble getting your body to respond. "Okay, well...your paperwork seems to be in order. Unfortunately. So are you sure you want to-" "Oh, yes, I want to. I want to real bad. Because Neddy and me..." You feel a hand rest on your shoulder. "...are gonna have some GOOD FUCKIN' TIMES together." THE END. --- Congratulations! Ned has reached Ending 10 of 15. Try again? |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 1", "Lobby 1")] (if: $ReachedHallway is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 2", "Hallway 1")] (if: $ReachedTruePunch is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 3", "Time To Go")]

You're climbing a ladder. How exactly do you propose to do that? Stop talking nonsense. |hidevisited>[[[Back to reality->Ladder 2]]]

"Yeah man, of course," you say. "I'll be your bro." The words don't come easily. "That's the sweet gravy!" Mr. Jett says. "Come here, man!" You try to hug Mr. Jett as quickly as humanly possible, but he still manages to get in a couple thunderous back claps before you rip yourself away. You feel physically dirty. "Okay, Ned-Zed," Mr. Jett says, "This is a very special room. Real experimentatious shit. You ready?" You nod weakly. [[NEXT->The Cage 1]](set:$morality -=1) (if: $morality < 1)[(You have lost the spirit to punch Mr. Jett directly in his face.)] (else:)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face", "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face - Kicking Floor")]

"Honestly," you say to Mr. Jett, "I tend to focus on the work, and any friendships outside of that are just a bonus. So who knows, we MIGHT be bros, if-" "FUCK!!" Mr. Jett's yell echoes up and down the hallway. You tense up at his outburst, your heart beating faster. Mr. Jett takes a deep breath to steady himself. "Sorry about that, Ned...uh, Guy. Ned Guy. Don't worry about it. I'm sure we'll be bros." He starts smiling again. "You'll see!" He tries to smooth his hair back into place. "Anyway, this is, uh, a super special room, man. Real experimentatious shit. You ready?" You nod weakly. [[NEXT->The Cage 1]] (if: $morality < 1)[(You have lost the spirit to punch Mr. Jett directly in his face.)] (else:)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face", "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face - Kicking Floor")]

You're climbing a ladder. How exactly do you propose to do that? Stop talking nonsense. |hidevisited>[[[Back to reality->Ladder 3]]]

Suddenly Mr. Jett just stops right in front of you. It's a miracle you manage to keep from crashing into him. "WAIT," he says. "We need some REFRESHMENTS and shit." Suddenly, you hear a commotion behind the door to your right. Someone running around, what sounds like metal things being knocked off shelves... The door opens, and a meek-looking man runs out, holding an enormous, three-scoop ice cream cone. "Here are your refreshments, sir," he says. As Mr. Jett takes his ice cream cone, the employee gestures in your direction. "Anything for him?" "Shit, right, almost forgot the Neddy-Man here!" Mr. Jett turns to you and lays a hand on your shoulder. "Sorry, man. Budget cuts. You know how it is." He takes a lick of his ice cream cone, and suddenly FREEZES. [[NEXT->Hallway 3]] |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face", "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face - Got the job")]

He turns to his employee. "Johnny-baby. What flavor is this?" You have never seen so much sweat break out on a man's forehead so quickly. "A-ah...it's vanilla, Mr. Jett." Mr. Jett leans down. Gets right in the other man's face. "My favorite flavor...is //french vanilla.// FRENCH. FUCKING. VANILLA." All color is sucked out of the employee's face. "M-my apologies, Mr. Jett, I'll fix it, I-" "Neddy-Freddy. What would you do with this...um, this ice cream...fucker? I could give him a warning, or I could fucking DOCK THE SHIT out of his pay for, like, thirty days. Or shit, even a whole MONTH." He turns to you, jabs a finger straight in your chest. "You better choose FUCKING carefully, bro." {[[You would give him a warning]] [[You would dock his pay for thirty days]] [[You would dock his pay for, shit, a whole MONTH->You would dock his pay for thirty days]]} |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face", "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face - Got the job")]

As you approach the door, the sound you were hearing gets louder. You realize it's some kind of...yelping? It almost sounds like- "HALT-A-MUNDO, NEDDY BOY." Mr. Jett throws out his arms to stop you when he reaches the door. "Before we go through here, I just gotta ask you...do you believe in magic and shit?" [[Yes]] [[No]] |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face", "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face - Got the job")]

Mr. Jett leads you down a long hallway lined with too many doors to count. Suddenly Mr. Jett just stops right in front of you. It's a miracle you manage to keep from crashing into him. "WAIT," he says. "We need some REFRESHMENTS and shit." Suddenly, you hear a commotion behind the door to your right. Someone running around, what sounds like metal things being knocked off shelves... The door opens, and a meek-looking man runs out, holding an enormous, three-scoop ice cream cone. "Here are your refreshments, sir," he says. As Mr. Jett takes his ice cream cone, the employee gestures in your direction. "Anything for him?" "Shit, right, almost forgot the Neddy-Man here!" Mr. Jett turns to you and lays a hand on your shoulder. "Sorry, man. Budget cuts. You know how it is." He takes a lick of his ice cream cone, and suddenly FREEZES. [[NEXT->Hallway 3]] |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face", "Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face - Got the job")](set: $morality=2)(set: $LostSpiritMessage=false)

...You realize instantly that this is possibly the single worst idea you've ever come up with. And your list of terrible ideas is...well, it's long. You punch the air, your fist sailing over Biscuit and right out in front of you. You look like a complete, utter doofus. Biscuit doesn't move, obviously, still lying on his back. You turn to look at Mr. Jett. Maybe he was dumb enough to be fooled by- Mr. Jett just stands there, agape. "Neddy. Neddy-Teddy-Freddy. I know that most people are, like, TOTES dumber than me...but you might be the TOTES DUMBEST PERSON I have ever met." "Hey," you say, "Why don't you let me-" Mr. Jett grabs you by the collar and delivers a full punch directly to your gut, knocking the wind out of you. You slump to the floor. "Game over, man," Mr. Jett says, as security guards stream into the room. "You know what that means?" He kneels closer to you as you struggle to breathe. "That means this GAME...is FUCKING OVER." THE END. --- Congratulations! Ned has reached Ending 6 of 15. Click here for a mild hint (click-replace: "Click here for a mild hint")[-In order to reach the best ending, Ned must escape this place.] Click here for a medium hint (click-replace: "Click here for a medium hint")[-Ned must keep his conscience clean, or else he will lose his fighting spirit.] Click here for a strong hint (click-replace: "Click here for a strong hint")[-With Ned's fighting spirit intact, can he find a tool that will allow him to incapacitate Mr. Jett?] Try again? |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 1", "Lobby 1")] (if: $ReachedHallway is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 2", "Hallway 1")] (if: $ReachedTruePunch is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 3", "Time To Go")]

...You realize instantly that this is possibly the single worst idea you've ever come up with. And your list of terrible ideas is...well, it's long. You swing at the air, the nunchucks sailing over Biscuit and right out in front of you. You look like a complete, utter doofus. Biscuit doesn't move, obviously, still lying on his back. You turn to look at Mr. Jett. Maybe he was dumb enough to be fooled by- Mr. Jett just stands there, agape. "Neddy. Neddy-Teddy-Freddy. I know that most people are, like, TOTES dumber than me...but you might be the TOTES DUMBEST PERSON I have ever met." "Hey," you say, "Why don't you let me-" Mr. Jett grabs you by the collar and delivers a full punch directly to your gut, knocking the wind out of you. You slump to the floor. "Game over, man," Mr. Jett says, as security guards stream into the room. "You know what that means?" He kneels closer to you as you struggle to breathe. "That means this GAME...is FUCKING OVER." THE END. --- Congratulations! Ned has reached Ending 6 of 15. Click here for a mild hint (click-replace: "Click here for a mild hint")[-In order to reach the best ending, Ned must escape this place.] Click here for a medium hint (click-replace: "Click here for a medium hint")[-Ned must keep his conscience clean, or else he will lose his fighting spirit.] Click here for a strong hint (click-replace: "Click here for a strong hint")[-With Ned's fighting spirit intact, can he find a tool that will allow him to incapacitate Mr. Jett?] Try again? |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 1", "Lobby 1")] (if: $ReachedHallway is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 2", "Hallway 1")] (if: $ReachedTruePunch is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 3", "Time To Go")]

Might as well appeal to his insecurity. "Hey Mr. Jett, you know what...I'm in the wrong here. You're right. I'm sorry." Mr. Jett looks surprised. "Wait...really, Neddy-buddy?" "Yeah man, I'm sorry, this place was just...a lot to take in," you say. You begin inching closer to him. "But now I realize what I really want...is to be your employee. And do everything you say." Mr. Jett looks at you strangely. "Ned...Neddy. You made me feel bad shit, man. I don't like feeling bad shit. Just good shit." Easy does it. You continue to creep closer. "And that's my fault," you reply evenly. "But that's all over now, Mr. Jett. Or should I say...Boss." Tears spring to Mr. Jett's eyes again. "That makes me a happy bro, bro." You're getting close to Mr. Jett and the guards. Once you're in their midst, you'll have to figure out a new plan. "I'm really stoked," Mr. Jett says, his fist clenching, "that you can die a better bro than you lived." Wait, what? "Kill him," Mr. Jett says. [[NEXT->Hospital End]]

How did you manage to make a blunder as colossal as it was trivial to avoid? You're honestly not quite sure yourself. But there's nothing for it. You're here, and you cannot fail. Even though you're almost certain to fail. As you contemplate your impending doom, the receptionist approaches. She wears a crisp suit and a warm smile. "Mr. Jett will see you now." As you stand up, your gut drops through the floor. This is it. You're about to go into the most important job interview of your life completely blind. In desperation, you consider... [[Ask the receptionist what the hell this company does ->Ask receptionist 1]] [[Don't ask ->Don't ask 1]] (set: $score to 5)

//Drip.// Something wet hits your forehead. Still groggy, you try to stir, but you can't. Something is restraining you. Your eyes fly open as everything comes back to you. You try to move again, but the leather straps tying you to the metal table are too tight. You look around to see shelves lined with nondescript boxes. It seems as if you're in some kind of storage closet. //Drip.// Another bead of liquid taps your eyebrow. You look up: hanging from the ceiling is a tub of vanilla ice cream, with a tiny hole in the bottom. You can already see the next drip beginning to form. The door bursts open, and in strides Mr. Jett. "Well well well, my man, what do we have here?" //Drip-// He catches the next drip on his finger and licks it off. "I'll tell you what we have, amigo. A real dumb...guy. Yeah. That's you. Neddy Dumbguy. That's your name now, got it?" "Mr. Jett-" "No words, Nedzy, no words. The only words I want you to word are about what words you've worded to anyone else. Word?" //Drip.// The ice cream starts to run down your face. It tastes pretty good, actually. "Mr. Jett, I don't know what you're talking about." Mr. Jett grips the table with both hands. "Who the FUCK did you talk to about us, Neddy?" "Nobody, Mr. Jett, I just wanted a job, seriously, I-" //Drip.// It feels like there's a hole on your head where the ice cream is hitting. It's starting to drive you crazy. Mr. Jett turns and starts to leave the room. "It's okay, Neddy. We got LOTS of time for words." He shuts the door. Dread fills you. You wish desperately that you were anywhere but here. Even if it meant living in a box on the street. //Drip.// THE END. --- Congratulations! Ned has reached Ending 7 of 15. Try again? |hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 1", "Lobby 1")] (if: $ReachedHallway is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 2", "Hallway 1")] (if: $ReachedTruePunch is true)|hidevisited>[(link-goto: "Start from Part 3", "Time To Go")]

YOU'RE DONE WITH THIS SHIT Gripping the brass knuckles tightly in your right hand, you turn and drive them straight into the side of Mr. Jett's face. You hear a sound that you think is a gunshot at first, until you realize it's just Mr. Jett's jawbone splintering like wood under an axe. This immediately gives you great pleasure. As he falls toward the cage's metal floor, Mr. Jett locks eyes with you. His expression seems to say, "But Bed-Head-Ned! I thought we were bro-fluffies!" or some stupid shit like that. You try to affix your face into something that communicates, "Nay...never before were we bros, nor shall we be henceforth." You're not sure he gets all that as he plummets toward his cold, hard landing, but it makes you feel good anyway. He somehow manages to land right on his face, breaking his nose. You're impressed with yourself. Two face bones for the price of one! Instantly, alarms go off all throughout the Kicking Floor. You hear shouting from behind the door. You realize that you should probably not be in this little cage with only one exit. You lean down, finally give Biscuit his belly rub (he closes his little eyes in appreciation), then scoop him up. Time to blow this joint. [[NEXT ->PART 3]]

(live: 0.8s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[**Part 1 of 3**](stop:)] (live: 2.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[**The Interview**](stop:)] (live: 4.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[[[NEXT ->Lobby 1]]](stop:)]

(live: 0.8s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[**Part 2 of 3**](stop:)] (live: 2.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[**The Kicking Floor**](stop:)] (live: 4.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[[[NEXT ->Hallway 1]]](stop:)]

(live: 0.8s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[**Part 3 of 3**](stop:)] (live: 2.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[**The Escape**](stop:)] (live: 4.5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[[[NEXT ->Time To Go]]](stop:)]

Time to go! You finally give Biscuit his belly rub (he closes his little eyes in appreciation), and scoop him up. Where to? [[EMERGENCY EXIT - Get the hell out of here]] [[CONTROL ROOM - No puppy left behind]] |hidevisited>[[[Punch Mr. Jett directly in his face->Extra Punch 1]](stop:)](set: $ReachedTruePunch=true)

"Mr. Nelson," she says, "be careful. Mr. Jett can be a fickle man. If you say the wrong thing to him **too many times**, you may **fail this interview**." You try to pull yourself together. "No, of course. I was just-" The receptionist grabs your other shoulder. "Ned. You have the opportunity to do some real good at this company. Don't blow it." You try to play it cool. "Uh, thanks. W-will do? I mean, won't. I won't do. In terms of, uh, blowing it and stuff." She's probably very reassured now. You head down the hall to the door labeled "Cosmo Jett - CEO." You are now more nervous than before, but there's nothing for it. Time to: [[Open the door]]

"Mr. Jett can be a fickle man. If you say the wrong thing to him **too many times**, you may **fail this interview**." This does not help your nerves. You thank her again and begin to head toward the hallway. Before you reach it, a hand grabs your wrist. It's the receptionist. She looks directly into your eyes as she says: "And Ned... "//SAVE THEM.//" She doesn't break eye contact. "Uh, okay," is all you manage to say. After a couple eternities, the receptionist returns to her desk, and you head down the hall. As you reach the door labeled "Cosmo Jett - CEO," you can't shake the receptionist's plea. What the hell was that? Well, there's nothing for it. Time to: [[Open the door]]